Nothing EVER belongs to me

hey.
I was just wondering if people knew who i was (or do they even bother?) before forming some weird impression of me and insist that that's me.

That's who you are Cynthia. 

I mean i'm never one of those people that go like "don't judge me if you don't know my story"

But seriously now guys, why do you even bother asserting some personal judgement on me?
Why do some people argue with ME on what kind of a person i am?

I don't know about you, but i know who and how and what exactly i am. I know my weaknesses better than ANY of you do.

So take MY word for who i am and i'm serious. It is one thing to judge, but another to accuse and spread stories that hurt and then its like being branded.

i hate it.

i hate people who tell me i'm immature. Well kid, i wish i was. i seriously wish i wore diapers like you did and i was allowed to slam doors when i was angry or i was allowed to fall sick and have dreams to be princesses.

I seriously wish that getting good grades was EVERYTHING to me and i only needed to bother about my grades and friendships and silly little bitch fights.

oh, and cry and say i hate "double faced people", "backstabbers"... blablabla

I wish, that the monsters in my life are as silly as the monsters in your lives.

I don't give a shit if you're my friend a not because i know even if i did, you wouldn't bother being nicer. (this is to everyone that thinks that loners are joke)

Well, where is this post leading to?

It's just about how silly people around me are. I don't think that the people that has laughed and scolded me behind my back or never tried to befriend me, KNOWS who exactly i am. 

And i'm fine with that.

I'm fine with having do deal with my problems and having to feel how unfair it is that all you stupid people don't have to go through some problems that i have to.

I'm fine also, with having this same people giggle at me and have me wish i was popular so i could get back at them.

But mostly, I'm fine with being alone in school or feeling like there's something wrong with me.

I mean, there IS something wrong with me.

I am severely handicapped.

I don't have things so many of you grew up with and i HAVE to live with it.
I have to be forced to be envious of so many people that disrespected me, whom i thought was so much weaker and undeserving than me.

When i was in kindergarten, my legs my eyes my hands even my thoughts don't belong to me.

I was punished in a way that made me realized i was never gonna be a princess and life was not a fairy-tale. 
Hell, i was NEVER grounded. Because i was never allowed to even go out in the first place? My punishments were NEVER beatings.

it was humiliation. Public humiliation.

When i was in primary school, my hair my school my grades my privacy and even, my story books, they don't belong to me.

i was condemned crashed torn and broken in a way that made me realized, that fighting and tearing your opponents down was more important than anything else.

 My parents called me a slut for having a crush on a cute guy. What can be more important for a slut than to bring down another slut so you could look better right?

Imagine how i surprised i would be when people started calling me that in Secondary school. when everyone called everyone a slut in school.

Finally, everyone else are the same species. 

I am not gonna continue with this because that is a life story. it is actually my whole damn life. One damn post can't tell you who i am.

Just like how one gossip session can't tell you how EVERYONE is. If you like to gossip, you can. That tongue is yours (unless i fucking cut it). But make sure you don't affect people's lives. Make sure you don't cause others to be really unhappy. Unless you intend to help them, do not hurt them.

But nah, i was never a believer of the human species. People are incapable of being nice. (yes, there was no fucking reason why i posted this). You people have tried your best to tell me who i am and tell me how stupid dirty or whatever that comes out of the "smart" mouths of yours.

And i'm still happy. So quit trying to bring me down and wipe the fucking irritating smile off my face.

If the smile could be removed, it would already have been done years before you knew what was "happiness".

18 June 2016

Singapore