How many times do i have to restart?

I constantly ask myself: 

is this really it?

OR i constantly TELL myself: 
this time i would ensure a change, i would show all of them that I CAN do it. 

i am NOT just an empty shell, a mere strong exterior, a fluke.
Always, such wasted attention, such undeserving appreciation and such over estimated capabilities... Am i really just a girl asking for drama and attention?

Am i really just that?

I have failed so many times that i have become history. I have disappointed others so many times that i am even, unfit to be the gossip topic OR the source of entertainment to some people.

i have found countless excuses for myself to believe there was a reason. But i ask myself

was there really?

The world wouldn't wait for anyone. There was no time for you to "discover yourself" 

Notice that i made use of the inverted commas; this is because, are you really "discovering yourself" or are you really just avoiding your problems and finding time for you to do so.

Because there is nothing to discover. 

There is just you, your attitude towards life, and your intellect. 

There is just relations, battles, effort and consistency.

There is NO slack. No such thing as "i need some time to begin again" "i need to stand back up" "i cant do this"

Time waits for no man.

I realized as i was "taking some time" to measure my life, to start afresh, to ponder over break ups, cry over love quotes and making resolutions; 

Everyone else has already moved on.

every one else has MET their goals and move on.

And you're that clown who was still thinking of how great of a goal you have. How strong your aspirations are and how ambitious you are.

so i was thinking "i dream big"

Oh yea and then i can continue just dreaming. 

i always say i want to do this. i want to do that.

but question is, 

how badly do i actually want it?

bad enough to give up my time for it? Bad enough to pour over books during a holiday? Bad enough to go to school even with discrimination and being outcast-ed?

or       just bad enough to cry over it after i have failed to do it?

So the question i wanted to ask myself is this:

How many times do you have to fail to realize that you can't afford to? That you really WANT this?

How many "restarts" do you need to begin your quest for success?

Well i can only continue asking myself while others are studying harder, working more, and improving themselves.

you don't have time anymore, Cy thia.

You need to wake up.

Last;y, i would like to tell myself:

Good job Cy thia, you have managed to complete absolutely no homework or revision during the one week holiday you have.

No wonder i have been failing.

19 March 2016
Singapore 

heights

Back then she was cold,

thunder storms and poring rain.

she looked ahead with a set of strong brown eyes,

with dreams taller than the mountain she was climbing.

She was never afraid.

Never of the heights.

She enjoys the thrill a fall gave her;

the strength the pain and her fiery temper.

Like the flames that burnt away in a bonfire,

she cackled with victory as she shone brighter.

But she was cold and way too high;

and she knew there was no wings she could rely

on to fly.

She knew it was never going to work,

she knew the warmth would never stay.

she knew she would break down her icy cold brown eyes,

and melt her heart with his sugared lies.

She knew that even as she was lost,

frightened and going in circles,

in the woods and every river she crossed,

feels like a gaping black ocean.

but remember she was not afraid.

not of heights.

This place is somewhere she knew was forbidden,

but he was there.

and so she went.

and with scars and blood that tasted like wine,

she was addicted and never look back for time to rewind.

because if she could make her choice once more,

she would have clawed her way through the woods,

and leave the bed of soft freezing snow,

and follow the path she know,

would lead her into the forest with deathly claws

and she eventually arrived at the edge...

and fell.

she was now terrified.

of the height.

8 March 2016

Singapore