Happy Satisfaction Arrogance

Hello, this might be a rather short update or maybe long. Who knows? Depends on my dad, we’ll see how it goes. Since, time check: 10.14 pm. Rather early to me, but to my –coughs and dry laughs- whatever parents, it is way past sleeping time which was 10pm sharp. Ridiculous? But owells, I’m still in my ups now, rather happy and I should say, more and more proud of myself. *flips hair* just saying… because well! I won my first ever debate competition I attended. Honestly, my performance wasn’t really up to my standard I expected of myself, but it seems I did not need to unleash my full powers to emerge victorious. So yep. Picture of the trophy would be taken another day no worries. I will do the fair bit of expected boasting :P today unfortunately, to show that I don’t really care much about the trophy (but I did) I left the trophy in school. Nevermind, a successful lady has to learn to give up her desires for bigger achievements. So, actually many things there is too tell but really, my time is limited. Why not share abit of the much improved life I’m living now?

A sneak peek of my wardrobe... which i really can't emphasize enough on how much i invested for it... but well, this is a life i deserved.

1/4 of my newww clothes <3

So now i will bid my farewell since it's sleeping time.. whateverrrr... but i will update soon i promise on stuffs and the debate! Till then my little awesome cutiepies HAHA!!

** Then, i realized that i was so much better off without you**

29 May 2013

Singapore

If it's not love, sweetheart it's hate

Howdy guys. I would say this time it’s surprise time! Result slip’s not out yet, so you’ve gotta wait. But it just basically bad. However, I am still quite so certain as ever, that I am smart, well at least smarter than SOME people I know out there that could really act as comfort for me. Why, they could work twice as hard and still do worse than me. –give them the applause- Alright you’ll know I’m just that mean, so forgive me. *does a bow of apology* (not sincere however). That’s not the point ladies and gentlemen, the climax of the story has yet to be revealed. ~Drum roll please~

FINALLY. The long awaited day has arrived; I no longer weep over him, yes him (W.Y) because I am going to sit here and cry a river for him, never again. I realize how foolish I must have sounded the past few months: oh please come back to me… I really miss you. I can’t even bear to hear myself!

However, the title speaks a thousand words << If it’s not love, It’s hate>> yep, I detest him for putting me through all those, and yes, I will never ever forgive that bastard. *smiles, forgive my aggressive use of language* so summarizing everything, I’m a free girl again. I will make sure I live well because bitches be bitches, I will live with my head high and nothing, will ever bring it down again. Yeah, confidence back, happy self back.

Because I’m just so cute and I’m just so great so there’s no need for tears as I’m gonna own it all.

oh yes and for everyone that though i was weak, you'll see because no i'm NEVER one to be messed with. never in your life do you imagine of even trying to give me any trouble because i, don't take troubles lightly. So bitches and whores out there you watch out because i no longer hide and weep at home.

Because I’ve given you the right to tear me down and break my heart, don’t you think you can abuse it. Cross no lines or I will stab your pathetic heart back, with no mercy at all. I am no sunshine, I am no pleasant and kind girl with a heart of gold. piss me off and you’ll see what I mean. I treated you as one moon, I cherished you like that thing in the sky even though I know I could never reach you. But now, you?  (Moon )a moon no more. A trash yes, and yet again, I’m not sorry I insulted you. I’m gonna scold the whole entire senior batch of my co curriculum activity, whatcha gonna do about it? Ask me in for another lecture I dare you, because this time, I won’t keep quiet and not fight back because this time, I care no more for any fuckers. So you think choosing a holy and goody two shoes girl would suit the president position of the Co curriculum society? Well we’ll see. Because I need not excel in the STUPID RETARDED USELESS organization to be considered as successful person. Teachers still nominate me for competitions and I still do well in many other aspects of my life so who cares about the stupid position with I HAVE to add, a useless ass for a teacher-in-charge, in the activity? WELL, I sure as hell do not need any dumb position. So look forward lovlies, for i will never bend for anyone or anything ever like i did before. NEVER. My life will be shopping (which i already am doing) online, studying and doing well (like i will definitely), and pamper myself because i know i deserve it^^

Because now I invest on myself, and my wardrobe’s finally looks like it’s for the empress. I’ve spent loads on shopping and pats on my own back, finally the princess is living like she’s suppose to (; congratulate me darlings, I’m finally back.

* back with vengeance, yours no more*

26 May 2013

Singapore

Hanging in there.

Hello. I’m back so quick hehe. You could infer two things from here, I’ve got nothing to do… I’m feeling emotional (perhaps). Well, let’s see where I should start. After yesterday’s upload, I cried, a lot, really really a lot, till I fell asleep. I couldn’t stop, I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t. There was only one thing in my head then: I want him back, I just want him back. I have nothing else to think of, no more desires. But reality is, he won’t come back. So you see, that I guess, was why I cried. So much till I seriously could not breathe and had to stop

< make a smart guess, who issit? So many guys in my life, actually it is only about one: W.Y>

This is a dream-catcher i drew, for god knows why. perhaps, it is to forget, or to help me chase away those dreams, of him because then, i would not wake up from any dreams of him, and get slapped again, by reality that he was no longer there and that it was nothing, but a dream.

So yes, i'm back to square one, why? why am i so miserable? i need help, but no one could offer me comfort because no one, no one but him could heal this hole in my heart. so what am i to do? sit here and wait for my tears to run dry, continue to paint the smile, that was never true and real, that would never last, without him? was that what i was supposed to do? yes perhaps. probably, probably i would continue like that for a year, no maybe two or perhaps eight or could it be... forever? is that what it's gonna be? forever? the pain, it would never go would it? oh then why, why am i still here, in this world, when i am living only, barely? why do i continue to trudge on in this life, where everything no longer has a meaning?

Despite, while writing this post, i'm actually calm. Yep, not upset at all. (maybe a little). because why? i don't really know but it no longer hurt as much as September last year, when he was first ripped away from me. you all, his birthday is coming, tell me, should i send my well wishes, or should i just quietly pray for him? because i know, that disappearing from his life is probably the best birthday gift i could give him. so maybe if i love him, i should stop looking and see which girl got his attention and cry with pain, or see his happiness and cower in bitterness and maybe look away, and give him my sincere blessing. but god, if you're there, answer my honest question:

 How could i? how can i let go of this guy, this guy whom i am very certain i would and could, give up anything for? anything really. Why, i even pushed him away when i still loved him when, i know i would probably hurt alot without him. so how, please someone tell me how, am i suppose to let him go?

Wondering why i posted a photo randomly? because i wanted all of you to know,my life now was nothing but that. a picture, something that remains a mystery to its story behind. It is stagnant, nothing changes but it grows old. For those of you who know, do you actually feel it? no, you will never know and i would not wish that upon all of you, because it is torture. you don't wanna go through what i'm going through because you might just, lose it. I'm going crazy or perhaps already am a little so it's alright so far. i was living on morphine some days, and i was okay and could smile occasionally. on some days though, the morphine wears off to remind me of the gap and the hole in my heart, making the pain almost, unbearable. But hang in there i will, because what else?

Yep, i will just smile and get on with life. I'm clueless after-all, to which what life has installed for me. I'm just living and i still have many things. Although many things but never one, but yes, still countless of blessings i should be thankful for. Like:1. Kong. (best friend-sister)
2.Brother (who seriously loves me like mad, i know it okay (; )
3. Chow (another bestie), who is living her life greatly
4. Boly ( Best buddies), who really could make me smile

So ya, i should really try and be happy right? like i still know i'm awesome and i'm still confident and perhaps a little arrogant even (i'll cut down on that), so why go around with the miserable face? okay, i really am abit weird, i'm the one who went around emotional, so why am i asking you all? haha alright, just feed ya all some photos. i be so awesome xD

 Bitchplease i'm awesome XP

YA that's darling dreamatomy, she's kinda going through an equally difficult time however, her situation is a little different. SO, she is still superbly strong so... I should be too!!! (: (i'm trying so hard to cheer myself up, so give me some credit, i do try okay)

Lastly, if some of you are wondering where did E.C go? i fell out with him just yesterday so you could imagine, what a horrible day yesterday was. I really raged at E.C but #bitchplease again, i'm not sorry. won't go into details but since imma a total slut, i shall say this: i miss him a little xD (maybe more than that)

Whateverrrrr. okay period. goodbye.

** I'm definitely not perfect, but also not one to be messed with**

** you said i wasn't good enough, but you fell for me didn't you?**

19 May 2013

Singapore

memories, i think i'll keep you.

Well, results are out. Somehow, it is rather disastrous. BUT, pleasing… hmm, perhaps I’m really going insane but I’m seriously not a little affected, okay maybe just a little teeny bit, but otherwise very happy about my results XP it is no good trust me, will waste no breath on describing the extent of the disaster but one of the reasons I guess is because, MAJORITY OF MY SCHOOLMATES DID EQUALLY OR A LOT EVEN WORSE, that’s why I am rather comforted actually mine is not thaaaaat bad. Okay, I know it is rather bad of me to build happiness on other’s misery, I’ll try to cut down on that a little and there’ll be pictures soon hopefully, to show you my really rather horrible results but well, don’t be too shocked at my extremely low level of intelligence! Oh and well… ofcourse there gotta be news on some usual things I guess… like haha my relationships. Let’s talk about what’s top on the list… guess? Yep if you guessed W.Y (: the title’s all about himmmmm.

wondering where, what, why the picture? Well, that’s the dock/seaside/beach or whatever you call it, me and W.Y often go previously to our dates. We often sat the bus all the way to its last or near last stops and alight to find this “magical” (at least to us) place, which we stumbled upon unintentionally. I loved it there with him, it was like a place we talked our hearts out. No one, will I ever bring to replace him to this place. So, I kinda went alone that day, early in the morning. Yes, ofcourse there’s the heartache, from the emptiness and ever existent feeling that there’s an empty space that was beside me back then… yes, I missed him terribly and I’m just gonna say it, going back to this place made me realize how much I loved this guy, and how many memories there are for me to grieve over the lost of him. And well, W.Y, do you know OUR PLACE, our lovely place, had such a beautiful view of the sunrise?

Well, I was stupid but happy, since it was so far away and so dangerous and deserted there yet I still went for god knows why. However, I guess it was worth it. I sat exactly at the bench we sat at then… and everything, came back like a replay, and I could almost hear his voice speaking to me. Yes, I smiled through tears, he was always there, in my heart and in my mind. Going back there which I was afraid to go since the break because of the foreseen pain… I found out that, the memories didn’t fade as time pass, they just grew more important and hid, at the deepest and darkest corner of my brain, coming out when I really missed him too much. I sat there even though the sun was glaring and it was really warm, I sat there even though half of my mind was screaming for me to leave, to beware of the pain that would hit, the wound that would be ripped open once again, I sat there when every lovely memory that hit me like an electric shock played through my brain, and I refused to leave, refuse to leave the place, where I could still clearly believe, it was not all but a dream. but ofcourse, i soon found it difficult to breathe, because i really had the urge to let go and cry out, and really beg whoever there may be to help me, to help me get the guy that i so much wanted, back into my life, back into my arms. because, i am really hurting without him. 

Despite all, i was still happy. yes, still insanely happy...

Yep, if you’re thinking: “is she really going outta her mind? She call that happiness?” yes and yes again, I too doubt my sanity, and yes, because I really felt happy. Like really. Because why, everytime something flash in my mind, it would be his voice, his face and the lovely times, so real so believeable. It was so easy, so easy to believe again, that he loved me. So easy to fall for the lie and finally be happy? Yes, I was so happy. I smiled I even laughed.

Remember how you used to purposely walk behind me and wait and see when I will finally, unable to resist the urge and turn behind and look at you? And how you smiled smugly when I did, how you smiled so lovingly and so naturally every minute? How I used to laugh and joke here, and forget about everything else? Do you even remember how you loved to jokingly mock and imitate my actions, especially me jutting my lower lip out? Do you remember?

Well, I do. I remember every single second and moment, and I would forever.

Because, i can't seem to let go, this love i have for you. i really can't.

So, before i let flow more tears behind this screen, i shall change the topic. I find a new liking, a new interest and surprisingly, it is the guitar. (acoustic) I LOVED THE GUITAR ARGHHHHH. i really love it haha. and great news is, my moma's buying me one!!!! XD hehehe, just thinking about it makes me rather happy. so that's something good AT LEAST.

To be honest, i still have other things to update you all, but the next time alright? i have also found another entertainment- dramas. off to them. hahahahaha, seems like i found alot od backup and pasttimes for the june school holidays ya? sighs, that time last year was... well, goodbye and write to you again hopefully soon.

** sometimes, memories are worth the pain**

17 May 2013

Singapore