Well hello! It's time for the Post of the year again.
Time to say goodbye to the past and welcome the new year - 2016.
About 2015
1. School/academics
In 2015, my school life was pretty much filled with pain, dread, tears... and then it became non-existent. At the beginning of this year, i received my results - O Levels. Let me tell you,it was horrible, it was everything i dread and it was difficult to overcome. In fact, i'm not sure if i already have.
I worked really hard and trust me, i thought i was going to get it. I went all around Singapore searching for a school that would accept me, a junior college that would give me the chance i needed to prove myself worthy again.
But nothing came, not an acceptance, not a second chance.
I really thought i could suck it up. I really thought in the end, after the 3 years in a place that was foreign to me, everything would turn out good,like it always did for me.
Well i came to realize too late that, nobody would be there to comfort you. Everyone has moved on with their lives and you are the only person staying right where you were, brooding over the biggest failure of your life.
And i cried, i really did. For the future that was always bright for me, for the hopes and dreams i had, for the expectations everyone had for me.
Everything.
I cried. i cried. and i cried again. After being in school, i thought i could begin anew, it could be just another route to the success i want.
But i cried. Again.
i cried till my throat went sore, till my tears went dry.
and still i cried.
Months past. People started disliking me in school. People started out-casting me. Like things couldn't get worst for me, people started doing things to me.
Maybe, because they realized i wasn't accepting the reality that i was given. Maybe, because they felt how i truly felt about Polytechnic, about them - they were the indication of my failure. They were the level i had to fall to. They were my degradation.
That i was too good for them.
Maybe, despite how i tried to be nicer, tried to be more of a follower than a leader, people could see through me. Maybe, my actions tells it all.
and so i cried.
when they all hated me, i cried.
when the girl i thought i could confide in turned against me,
I CRIED.
i lay in bed, in the dark, swallowing my screams as i cried.
But trust me, this is not a pity story. I do not want or deserve sympathy. Because i deserved everything i got. From the horrendous teachers who smiled at me and didn't believe my story despite me having SOLID PROOF; to the people who tried with their utmost effort to pull me down; to the best friend who became the biggest enemy - EVERYTHING.
i deserved them all. I chose this, i brought it upon myself.
i saw all the people whom i expected to be way behind me, SO FAR AHEAD of me.
I deserved it. why?
because i scored lousy.
because i scored shit.
because i did badly.
because, i.screwed.the.fuck.up.
And i didn't get a second chances. Second chances are not meant for me.
Let me tell you what they did to me.
Let me begin with a reminder that i was not weak.
Or maybe not.
because what's the point?
i didn't manage to win that.
i lost completely.
What about my boyfriend right?
2. Boyfriend
I can only tell you, it was a rocky ride. Since the beginning of the year, we've had tons of problems to face. Who doesn't, right? I guess everyone feels that their relationship is the special one.
well, i wouldn't say mine was a titanic type, or even a korean drama. My current one would be a daily life episode. Very normal, with it's everyday reality problems, and the small little sweet moments.
I would say, however that, we do quarrel a lot. More than most couples. I've had my fair share of scars and tears to remind me of the hurt and pain we both went through. Sometimes, i know i am over dramatic with my reactions to things; even for a girl. I feel bad for him who has to endure all my nonsense.
Despite knowing how much he has to accept to be together with someone like me - insane; i could still manage to feel that this guy doesn't love me.
well, i wouldn't say mine was a titanic type, or even a korean drama. My current one would be a daily life episode. Very normal, with it's everyday reality problems, and the small little sweet moments.
I would say, however that, we do quarrel a lot. More than most couples. I've had my fair share of scars and tears to remind me of the hurt and pain we both went through. Sometimes, i know i am over dramatic with my reactions to things; even for a girl. I feel bad for him who has to endure all my nonsense.
Despite knowing how much he has to accept to be together with someone like me - insane; i could still manage to feel that this guy doesn't love me.
Yes that's right. i speak with all honesty that i have treated him better than anyone have treated me, or anyone have treated him. I have loved him with ways that i could find, any way that i know. I loved him with everything i had and considered his position in every situation, before my own, before ANYONE else.
is that the right way to love someone? Is there a right way? If it is...
Then why doesn't he love me the same?
I constantly tell myself: He is not right for me. How could he be? He hurts me with his words, he has eyes for so many other girls, there's just so many things that he couldn't explain..
so many things that proves he just simply doesn't care.
Maybe, it's time to let go.
Is it? I don't know. But not just yet, not ever. I will not give up. For now, i'm firm with my decision.
To everyone who ever called me a slut, whore, childish girl, for having countless boyfriends (whether behind my back or right in my face), you do not know what i go through and how much I've went through and endured to maintain this relationship. You do not know what is behind every single one of my relationships, how it was for me to be that "whore" in your eyes.
3. Family
I am so tired of people telling me how i don't cherish my parents. How i am an ungrateful person for scolding my parents, for rebelling against them, for fighting for my freedom.
Those people who commented on my previous blog posts, anonymous.
I hope your parents regret that day they forgot to use protection.
Well, precisely. I don't tell everyone my story, that does not mean i have had it easy. That does not mean i am immature like everyone who's going through puberty. Not saying i am NOT immature. Just that i have my reasons.
For that person who commented that, you were right.
They did regret.
I hope it makes you happy that your hopes were fulfilled. Even before i had a chance to be ungrateful, to be immature, they already did regret my existence.
and they showed it.
Well i hope you find this appealing. i hope you found it good that my parents regret my birth, and they use me as a tool to fulfill their own expectations and wishes of a perfect daughter.
That is all i am going to say.
My parents and i had a history of bad family relations for 8 years. Just because you chance upon my blog posts that could be dated furthest, only to 2 years ago, does not give you even the slightest hint of how my life is.
again, my life is normal. NOT a drama. But it has its problems and i didn't get it easy at all my entire life.
Anyway, 2015 has been a great lesson learnt. It has been the largest hurdle of my life and it has also been the turning point.
The end of 2015 came with many surprises. I have made major decisions and am determine to stick by them. My online shop which i have recently restarted is back to business again. With new knowledge from my business course, thankfully it has only taken a week for everything to fall in a steady pace.
CHEERS to a new year and a new beginning. I am taking it with a positive attitude and definitely am gonna put on more of a fight than i did in 2015.
i am ready to face 2016, how about you? On a side note:
I wonder how it feels like to be 18, in 4 more days?
I. AM. LEGAL.
Does that mean the crime rate would rise.... HAHA.
Happy New Year guys! <3
1 January 2016
Singapore
