The tears I never thought I had

This is too much for me to take. It's too much for me.

I hate my mom, with everything I have, I really hate her. I hate her so much I really wish every single bad thing upon her.

I hate her because she made my life hell.

I hate her for causing all the nights I cried because it really hurt.

I hate her for not being the mother, I see in my friend's mother.

I hate her for the times I wanted to say I love you to my mother, I wanted to be proud of my mother, but I can't.

I hate her, and I finally know why.

I finally know why after so many years, it still hurt every time she did this. Every time she appeared like the beast I wish she wasn't.

I finally know why I'm crying now, like so many other nights.

It finally dawned on me.

It's because I remember.

I remember as a child, how much I loved her.

I remember how it had hurt whenever I see her cry, I remember the tears, I cried for the appearance of her tears.

I remember how despite being young and weak, I always bravely thought I would be the heroine to one day protect my mom from every bad person.

I remember too clearly, how when I was young,

I thought I was strong enough to carry groceries that were too heavy for her.

I thought I was strong enough to go through the night with fever and with pain without anyone to take care of me or to just sleep by me, because I thought if I ask her to sleep with me, she would catch on the disease too, and the pain would be so bad for her.

I never cried those nights when I was scared, I never made a fuss, I never blamed her. I remember why I never did: because my mom was the best person on earth.

Because when I was young, the only bad thing that could happen, was any bad thing that happen to my mom.

Somehow I thought she was weak, and I had to be strong to protect her.

Never did I thought she would be strong enough, to cause me these tears, not for an hour, not for a day, but for years.

Everybody has problems with their parents, but mine's different.

Mine's really different because every time I quarrel with them, I want to feel really angry, really wronged, but in all honesty, I feel really upset.

Why? I really don't want to look at my friends parents and wish that my parents would someday be like that.

I really don't wanna have to cry, I really don't wanna be mature. I don't wanna be anything.

I just wanna be that girl I was.

I really want my mom to be that best person in this world, and I that lucky girl who was born to protect her.

The person whom I love so much it makes me afraid to lose her.

I'm really tired of telling myself, reminding myself this won't happen.

I'm really tired of having dreams of going overseas just to run away from home.

I'm really tired of telling myself there's nothing to cry for because I already know what my parents are like.

I'm really tired of pretending that I know, because I really don't know.

I don't know is my mother like that.

I don't know how to make her normal.

I don't know how to love her again.

I really want to.

Because I really remember those things, I really remember them.

I didn't use to hate them, I didn't use to blame them, I didn't use to envy others.

I was the luckiest girl on earth.

What happened?

Because I'm crying, these tears, I never thought I had.

27 March 2014

Singapore

(Rant sorry)

Oh really?

" you really need to learn to be better, you really need to stop being such a loser"

-anonymous TO me, yes TO me.

Oh really? (With a extra humongous question mark)

Well for starters, I haven't seen someone quite as ignorant. Ignorant to their own capabilities.

Her capability?(yes she's a bitch, not a guy) umm yes, nothing really. Nothing great about her. Anyway, enough of my rants.

So, many of my friends seem to ask me if I made up,If I apply make up, if I put foundation... basically, NO. I don't. But I do have a few partners in crime (I don't know what to call them.)

Eversoft facewash. I love the smell of this thing, it's superbly nice and well I have very few pimples so I say it's not bad?

That's UV aqua white face protection cream. I apply a BIT, a LITTLE on my face everyday before I head out. Anywhere, breakfast, lunch, dinner, brunch whatever. Yes every time, BUT after I wash my face.

Kanz moisturizing milk. This smells damn nice too. Yea heavenly(don't ask me what's the smell I have no idea). This is for da hair. I apply it evenly over my hair 30 minutes after a bath. (Ya, a bath that includes washing my damn messy hair)

Every night before I sleep and AFTER I rinse my face and brush my teeth, I would dab this Eversoft toner on my face.(yes, you dry your face first before you dab) dab using a piece of cotton okay, not tissue paper or newspaper.

*if I don't dab I will feel like my face is soaking in oil.

Favourite partner, longest buddy. Garnier uv lotion. Okay, I would first warn you that I'm not normal. So this is kinda a sunblock? Well I apply it after every bath and before sleep. (I know there's no sun in my house) wells, it helps with my skin I think? 

Family that help make me a little less screwed.

So yep, I suddenly felt like doing this because I was sorting out those products I have.( And, I was bored.)

Pardon the unglams (if any), I really just took one and post it without really looking.

I really hate editing photos sometimes. But society's fucked, you need to sometimes.

Oh and this might be the last post for a few months? Or maybe not. Who knows? I'm gonna start being normal tomorrow. And study.

Bye, to those who are reading this, thank you very much ^^(assuming you're not a retard whose hating on me and trying to find something to laugh at here)

Kisses?

Which reminds me. Lip balm whenever I feel my lips are too dry. (Which is like whenever I get too bored)

23 March 2014

Singapore

Ten facts.

Since everybody's doing it.

I get bored and I become lame too.

So a few facts about me won't kill you since you actually already know a lot about me.(and are still reading this)

1. I love snakes (yes, snakes, not cats)

2. I'm very afraid of cockroaches (typical girl thing, nope, not special at all)

3. I am very afraid of losing.(teeny weeny bit more than my fear for cockroaches)

4. I don't like some people but I don't show it, because you can't afford to get in the bad books of some people.

5. I always wanted a boyfriend who'd look great with me and then everybody will say we're perfect for each other.

6. I do and think about the most unimaginable things right before I sleep. (Guess what are they?)

7. I don't create a ask.fm account because I very much rather not have a platform for people who openly insult me.

8. I love quotes. (Sad quotes, love quotes, sweet quotes, life quotes)

(^ one of my favourites, and one which I follow closely by in life)

9. I tend to overthink things, and I overreact a lot.

10. Nowadays, I feel very self-conscious. Whenever anybody laughs, I would think they're laughing about me. (Yes, literally, whenever and WHEREever, worse still, WHOever)

Done.

Now about today. (In pictures and a few words)

Morningzzzzz. Lunched and Starbucks with Boly. We had so much trouble looking for the food court at Changi airport and guess what, it's under renovation or something. -.-

Had a sinful lunch which I plan on working of the calories from it tomorrow. (Popeyes)

Because Boly hates taking photos that shows her face clearly, we took it with a dark reflection.

Yeah, just evidence to prove that we aren't that sane.

Went to a place which was long missed by me.

My outfit for the night.

Then a summary of my whole trip there.

Had another sinful meal btw.

I literally feel the layers of fats building up. (It's so not in my imagination)

My swimsuit I've always wanted. (The cutting <3)

Lastly, just curious sometimes on who the hell is behind that screen laughing at/judging/cursing/pointing middle finger at/criticizing me.

So if you have any questions,here are ways you can find me:

Twitter: @cynthiatqp

Instagram: @qtpc_x 

(might change, not anytime soon)

Email(most recommended):

cynthiaqtpx@gmail.com

Or leave comments here and IF I can read it I will.

You can tell me any crap, can insult me too.

I mean, freedom of speech.

But realize that that applies to me to.

Bear with the consequences.

Toodles xx

(P.s I really wanna hear from you, especially those I haven't really talked to before)

22 March 2014

Singapore

You're so happy it breaks my heart

YI think it's because of the overwhelming emotions lately,

Overwhelming everything, I didn't update lately.

I might have lose a few readers but guess what,

I'm too tired, too tired to care about anything.

Well, almost everything.

I'm talking crap but I don't  really care.

Anyway, I've slimmed down even more.

I lost half an inch everywhere round (where you're suppose to lose; not those places where it's supposed to be big).

Thighs and waist are my biggest accomplishment.

Working on the shape now.

It's tiring to workout you know.

Some girls out there,

Won't you perhaps spend more time in cherishing your (given when born) slim body,

Get your fucking bimbo head out of your ass,

Wear nice clothes and make good useof your figure that others would most probably die for to be born with.

STOP, with the "oh I'm so fat, I must lose weight"

 It's not a cool or trendy thing to say that you're fat,

Some people really ARE bigger in places that ARE SUPPOSE TO BE SMALL.

Like my ONCE upon a time elephant thighs?

Okay, I tried to look for a photo of my VERY fat thighs but realize I was too afraid to face the reality and kindly did myself a favour- gotten rid of every dirty little photo with fats.

Okay besides the one on top, fat right. Yes. 

(Those who saw this post, please pretend you didn't, keep the good impression IF I had one before this. PLEASE don't stare at my thighs if you see me or something next time <they still aren't that lean>) 

Now, I remember I had plenty to tell you guys about, but I forgot them all.

That's me, on the car with nothing better to love, than myself.

Yup that's my dad. Any comments?

That's still me in love with none other than myself.

I had a lot of fun with Boly as usual today. We reminisced SOME of our childhood.

We also had some really fattening food - carlsjunior.

And Boly poured salt into her drink (no, I didn't tell her it was sugar and hadn't reassured her I'm right, no I really didn't)

Ah well, I'm always that intelligent anyway.(:

Had some "kills the hair and spoils the hair" hairspray today.

We have to "let our hair" down sometimes, don't we?

It's obvious if you see me in person, there's gold and green, but in the picture is just a mass of hair.

I have some words for YOU.

Some YOU. Some people.

Trust me you'll know when I'm speaking if you because you'll be guilty of my words.

To you, asshole, grow the hell up. You're a guy, not those girls and sometimes you need to act like one. Man the hell up if you are capable of it. Guys aren't suppose to pick on girls and speak to people with spite. Not only are you acting like a girl, you're acting like a kid. So you're disgracing your kind, gender and age alike. Lastly, please look at things clearly, you do not have what it takes to go against me so please look yourself up over again.you might think it's thrilling to express your dislike towards me through little petty actions, but it really just makes the already wearing of respect for you others have, to deteoriate even more.

Hey slut, I know that you're ALWAYS lying. I'm smarter than you and better than you in many ways so don't for one second think you will outsmart me. I know your sympathy is just that thin almost transparent layer of mask over that ugly face of yours. I know what lays beneath. He may be stupid enough to even toy with you, but I'm far from fooled by you. Two can play at a game bitch, we'll see who gets the last laugh.

Juz keeding. Maybe the last time I saw you, which was ages after it all ended, I couldn't seem to get any air into my lungs. But the next time, I would look away and breathe just fine. It's not because I realize you aren't worth it, or that feelings faded. It's just that I'm done with the easy tears, the seriously not so enjoyable nights, the feelings of betrayal, the jealousy, the mixed feelings, the struggle. Basically, the not letting go. If it's just that, then I give everyone that. I give myself my life, and I take control of everything again, and that includes my heart. Let go it had to be? Then let go it is. Goodbye, I've long ago seen the last of those tears for you. I have long ago slept with other worries that aren't in the least related to you. So go get that girl, I will get my man. Period, bye.

Phew, end of the post. Really sorry for those unpleasant words and really long rants. But that's about it, my life, my current messed situation. Bye to you guys too!

15 March 2014

Singapore