Baby

Hey!

My apologies for being emotional; gosh, what has gotten into me.

I'm becoming someone I actually despise the most.

Talks about killing myself D:

I'm ashamed.

Cythia, if you dared, you would've done so.

Why go to your blog and be a pathetic good-for-nothing?

Well yeah. I know I shouldn't have but I guess the blog's a place to vent my anger.

To show how much I hate my parents maybe?

Life has been difficult for me as I've found it more and more difficult to accept my parents.

I really hate them, the hatred is so strong I'm so tired of it.

All I want is to able to enjoy myself freely, and let myself go after a long and tiring year.

I can never do that.

Right now I'm working at an insurance firm.

The job is boring and I feel like I'm wasting this precious post exam times.

But this is the best I can spend my time; since my parents wouldn't even allow anything else besides work.

Ofcourse, sometimes I get to feel so loved, so doted on, when I get to spend some meagre amount of time with him.

I feel happy I have him with me.

I'm really thankful.

I've loved before and it was painful.

I've hated before and it was also very tiring and painful.

I've hurt and been hurt.

But I've never been more thankful for anyone.

Honestly would never have thought I'm a person to be thankful for people I meet, or people I have in my life.

But I'm truly thankful for him. Thankful that he is mine now.

I truly do not know what the future holds, or whether the forever we promise each other would actually happen.

Or is it just a beautiful wish that would end up as a painful sigh?

Whichever, I would cherish whatever time I have with him.

I would cherish him. 

I will hold him back if he wanna leave.

I will keep every word he utters in my mind.

I will hold memories of him close to my heart.

If there ever is a forever for me,let it be him.

Guys, I love my life now and I'm too much in love to let it go(:

28 November 2014

Singapore

even love cannot bring it away

The shouting

The bright lights

The indescriptable wrench

The laughter I heard from my mouth

The weird amused feeling for the reactions I'm having

The floating feeling 

The sudden exhaustion.

Then the emptiness. 

The serene silence.

I found the way out. I finally understand why other people want to end their lives.

I look happy, how did it feel like to be happy?

What about your bright future?

The person you love?

Everything you've worked hard for?

I don't see it anymore. Just let this pain go away.

I'm so tired of them.

They don't have the right to say they love me, that they care about me.

That is simple not possible because how could they cause me the pain I'm feeling now?

The knife I used to cut myself 

I would've thought it horrible, attracting attention before.

Now I fully understand.

It's so satisfying to cut yourself because you know you're doing something.

At least you're not letting it pass like every other day there is.

16 years have passed and I'm already a teenager.

But the pain hasn't stopped.

My life hasn't turned for the better.

I'm worried of being fat, of my results, of being ugly.

I don't have parents that care, that support me, that understand me.

That I could say I love.

I only have myself.

Maybe I should stop holding on.

Maybe I should stab my throat.

Again and again and again.

Until it hurts so much that I forget my troubles.

That I can forget to hold my screams in.

My tears can flow because I need not worry how it will be after that.

There's no after.

I will go away.

But it hurts.

It hurts so much.

It WILL hurt so much if I stabbed my throat.

I'd be bleeding and I'll feel my life drain away.

Then what will happen to this guy whom I claim I loved?

Then what happens of our love?

It matters actually.

Because even as I'm drying, I still hurt inside.

I just wish those things that call themselves my "parents" won't ever take him away from me.

Like they did with another guy I loved.

Because the guy they managed to break me apart from, was someone I'm willing to die for.

I literally am willing to lose everything for him.

And it had hurt so much I've lost it.

Now I had it again, I had love again.

This time is someone I'm willing to live for. I'm willing to stay on and be the best person I can be for him.

Don't take him away please?

Can I please get one of your parents so that I can lead an easier life?

Yes I want the easier way out.

Please, anything?

22 November 2014

Singapore