I'll face this simply

I think it is time I moved on.

I was afraid of those people who have been waiting for me to fall, waiting for the moment I fail and then to add laughter to my tears.

Many of you did well for the exam I did badly in.

Frankly, it was really bad.

Since you've all been waiting for this, I'd tell all of you who don't already know.

I got 14 (-4)....

Take a little time process it.

Scoff or laugh all you want, I was afraid of it.

Right now i am still afraid to hear the laughter or the "I told you so".

To put it simply, I never thought I'd do so badly even if I did not put in the effort all of you did.

I thought by studying the entire night before the exam would be quite sufficient since I've never done so much for any examinations in my life; but I could still do well sometimes.

I was wrong.

I wasn't so much of a genius I thought I was.

Yes I was overconfident and look who got the last laugh.

Definitely wasn't me.

If you are wondering which school I was posted to, here it is.

I was posted to a polytechnic, Ngee Ann polytechnic.

I figured since I couldn't go to the schools I've always wanted to go, I would just choose a polytechnic so that I could pretend I did well but decided to go for a polytechnic.

I told myself: it's not that after all.

I was full of my plan.

Until ofcourse, someone had to make the miserable poor little thing who failed herself terribly WAKE THE HELL UP.

Many did. My boyfriend told me ofcourse that polytechnic was never the choice for me.

All my plans and goals never involved going to a polytechnic.

But I argued: plans could be changed?

He told me no, my plans couldn't and shouldn't be changed.

IF I COULD GO TO COLLEGE, why not?(he asked me)

I had an answer for him.

I'll be straightforward about this.

My answer was: because those were the schools I once scoffed or laughed at. Those were the schools I never thought I'd enter.

Why? Because I thought myself too good for them.

And ofcourse, I was in for a rude awakening.

Obviously, I had to need them now sine they're the only chances I could take to go off to a college as that was what I've always planned to do.

(We should let her work her magic)

I really ought to let go of my biased thinking and move on.

And that was what I did.

I did not want to appeal because I was afraid people would see me doing so and knew I did well.

What a coward indeed.

I appealed for St. Andrew's Junior college and I think the chances are quite low.

I'll be appealing for a few other Junior colleges which I could've been posted to if I weren't as foolish as I was; to choose a polytechnic which I had no idea at all where to go from there.

I felt out of place and stranded.

I'm in hell, but I'll keep going.

Thank you, each and everyone of you who were there to tell me that I should not be lamenting about my life problems.

I knew that I shouldn't be, all this while.

But I did not want to face that I did so badly.

I failed those who believe I could do very well.

I rewarded the satisfaction of witnessing my downfall to those who've bet on it.

I thought I was smart I could beat everyone without trying half as much as everyone did.

I spoke a lot about my achievements and my intelligence.

They were right.

Empty vessels makes the most noise.

I should've seen myself in a clearer picture, is should've thought less about myself.

I wouldn't have been in such a state right now.

But I've decided to face all there is to face.

Scoff all you want, laugh all you want.

I am going to do the things that needs to be done to get me further than I am now.

I am done being miserable and being a baby.

I am done crying over spilt milk.

It is always easier said than done. I always thought people who cried over things that couldn't be undone, weak/stupid/dumb.

I'm looking out for people who would laugh.

I can never laugh this failure off.

I could not look down on myself despite all I said about myself being useless.

I was born an arrogant person and I was taught a horrible lesson.

So laugh at me if you want I really would mind and I would cover my face because it IS a shame.

How people see me is indeed very important.

For those of you who told me to stop caring about how other people see me or what they say about me.

Perhaps you can.

But I can't.

I feel disgraced at my results and the state I am in today.

However, in conclusion, 

I'll just make the most of whatever circumstances I am in now and also in the future.

I'm trying to stand back up on my two feet again, push me back down if you can (:

1 February 2015

Singapore

Inferno

Do you know what it is like,

To lie in bed awake,

With thoughts to haunt you every night,

Of all your past mistakes

Knowing sleep will set it right-

If only you were not awake

--quoted

I realize I've been complaining too much.

About how everything doesn't go my way.

What a child.

I think the horribly disappointing results set me off on this never ending rants (just that they are about to end)

To the guy in that photo,

Thank you.

For being the one who never left, even though I weren't there for a long time.

I gave up so many times but..

You never did.

I'm ashamed.

Sorry for all the irrational tears, quarrels, fights and just being so impossible recently.

Everyone.

I must have been unbearable to watch.

S o r r y

(I have this thing about spaced out words recently sorry xD)

** here's why I think I'm incredibly lucky

28 January 2014

Singapore

Not that I want to

My father suddenly flared up. 

Told me that if I wanted a relationship then go out and work he's not gonna support me.

And if he caught me together with him, he'd pull me out from JC immediately.

And if I continue the relationship, and I couldn't get a scholarship, I'd have to work immediately after JC they're not gonna support for my university.

So I'm just suppose to break up?

I did that for the previous guy I was so in love with.

And I regretted.

I wouldn't.

I won't back down again.

I don't wanna do so fucking well and be the god damn best.

But since I need to to step out of this fucking house next time, I will.

I will prove you damn parents so fucking wrong but you won't have the chance to even say sorry.

I don't NEED to, I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

But I will. I will remember all these times you made my life horrible and I would do so very well.

I've tried to look for reasons you could be doing this to me.

Humane ones.

But now, I refuse to.

I'll be the worst nightmare you ever have.

I'll make you wish you never gave birth to me.

I'll make you suffer in regret like I did because of you.

HAPPY 2015 Mr and Mrs.Tan.

And baby, happy 4th month love <3

We may not see each other for a long time even on our Monthsary.

I may have to cry and kiss the phone screen with the captured moment of my baby boy.

Even though I'm a teenager of this generation, I'll still have to suffer like the olden times.

The times where girls are torn apart and KEPT apart from their beloved.

How dramatic.

I may sound happy, but I'm miserable.

I want to hug and kiss you and bury my face in your shoulder and chest.

I realize all the small little expressions of yours are so beautiful ;they're so precious.

And I know now, I know why all of them say "you'll only know what you have when you've lost them"

I won't be able to see you and touch you and just enjoy your company anymore.

That's all I want in this very moment.

I want nothing but that baby.

I seriously, most honestly, miss you.

16 January 2015

Singapore

Oh yes, RESULTS.

Now that it has been out, we should all feel relieved.

Some, who did well better than you expected, congratulations. (I'm not feeling congratulatory though)

I failed. I failed myself.

Probably because I was arrogant, cocky, overconfident and what more?

For those who were waiting for this moment to mock me, please do.

To laugh at me even, do so loudly please.

I find it really difficult to explain how I feel.

About those damned numbers on my results slip.

Maybe some people would say:

"What's the big deal? It's just another SMALL exam in life?"

No, guys no.

It's not okay that I did badly and I can't let it go.

Whatever it is, I'll do what I should but I won't forget this moment where I felt to be frank, downright useless.

15 January 2015

Singapore

Anxiety

I don't know how many of you people feel this way but I'm having an anxiety attack.

Haven't felt so helpless and frightened in the history of my existence.

The previous day, I had great fun out and no matter how I tried in the earnest to get the joy and jubilant feeling I had, I couldn't.

Tomorrow is the day where all our results would be released.

It's the day which determines my future for me.

I'm feeling even more terrified than when I was taking the exams and I have no idea why. 

I probably should tell myself there is simple nothing I could do to change whatever the results are tomorrow because they are already fixed.

But I can't help it.

I really need help I'm feeling extremely horrified by every thought I'm having now.

Help.

11 January 2015

Singapore

How I wish I had the money

Like sometimes it's difficult because life just wouldn't go your way.

Money is so important and so are your parents support.

This is two things I, as a 17 year old now, do not have at all.

I'm worried for my results that's gonna be released in a few day's time.

It's not only about whether I did well or which school I go to.

For me it's about my life in the near future, and also my whole entire journey ahead in life.

To many people this exam might be so important and if you don't do well it'll disappoint you, it'll make you lost as to which school to choose and what to do next. Or some extremely childish ones would be concerned that the lose to the people that they do not like (that's a very small concern of mine,I didn't say I'm not childish)

But to me this also determines a lot more.My decision now as a 17 who's graduated from a secondary school is so important because:

It decides whether I will be able to get into a good university and career in future.

I determines if I'm gonna lead a fun filled life in high school of a life filled with hard work.

It determines whether I could leave my house or not and whether I will be loaded with financial burdens.

This decision of which school to go also determines whether I'm able to go overseas to study in university.

This was my dream since I was 4.

And when I was 8 it was a goal. A goal to leave this miserable house and pursue greater heights in a place far away from what never was a home to me.

To many of you it's just as simple as whether you do well anot and get to a desired school anot.

After all, there's still a chance to work hard and do well in any school you've chosen.

But for me it determines everything.

I couldn't go to my parents and ask:" hey mommy/daddy, which school do you think is best for me?"

Or whether I'll be stressed anot at a school with higher expectations.

It's not all about whether I'll like it or whether it's what I want anymore.

Because my parents won't support for my school fees they've already made it clear. (I wanna believe they're only joking but I've already supported my own tuition fees in secondary school)

Because if I don't do well I don't have a chance to do better next time. 

It's a do it well, do it once.

I'm willing to suffer and support myself.

Eat less and study extremely hard.

I just wanna leave this place.

And if I don't make the correct choice, I won't be able to leave.

I won't be able to do well and I won't be able to even dream of a future.

I don't have the money to support for further education if I don't get a scholarship.

I don't have the support of my parents if life is too tough at school.

There isn't "another way out" for me.

That's why my results matter so much and the school I choose to go to next matters.

This decision is almost everything.

I don't have the luxury I often wish I have.

No wish is a not strong enough word.

I often begged and craved for.

I wish I had someone to go to when I'm unhappy in school.

I wish I had someone to go to and rant my childish little obstinate thoughts to when I lost an argument in school.

I wish I had someone to ask of whether I'm doing it right.

I wish I had the luxury to just be a child and relied on my parents.

I wish I had the chance to be immature and quarrel with my parents.

I wish I had the chance to even consider leaving house to threaten my parents.

I can't, because I know once I left, they won't be asking me back.

And unless I have a solid plan to be able to live outside, I can never be a child.

I could try all I want, I could cry.

I could hate.

I could go into my room and bang the door.

I could let it all out.

I didn't everything I could to get parents all of you had.

But I couldn't get it.

All I got was this.

 

I didn't have a backup plan like all of you have.

No matter how much you think your parents are bad,

You all didn't even consider that you would need to tend for yourself.

That you'll not have somewhere to cry or someone to tell you to move on.

It's like if everything around falls, somehow you know your parents would back you up.

But I haven't got such parents.

I've got two strangers that gives me the problems I face in life.

I've got two strangers who do not blink an eye when I'm in trouble and I'm feeling desperate.

I've gone to them for help.

As a child, I've always needed help.

But I've only gotten punishments, beatings and scoldings.

And to put that smile on your face you've got to depend on your achievements.

Let's face the truth.

Your parents makes you happy right? 

Your phone and what you eat and wear, your parents bought them right?

If there's a basic feeling you should have for them is to be thankful?

Let me tell you this, I paid for my phone, my phone bills, my clothes, my medical fees, my tuition and everything you all don't even think much of.

And it's not even because we're poor.

It's because my parents really don't care.

They really don't so I really don't think anyone has the right to hate your parents no matter the hateful things they did.

Because no matter the threats no matter the quarrels and hurtful words, your parents give you what everyone needs.

There's a door for you to slam I'm your room.

There's them for you to argue with.

I've never slammed the door before in my entire life.

Because the consequences aren't something I can afford to have.

I won't go on and on about my parents anymore.

I just wanted to say: I really wanted to be a mother's girl.

I really hoped my parents nag about my studies.

I really hoped I had the chance to just wish I was rich or had a lot of money.

But I never did have this time or chance to do it.

I had life decisions to make.

Life decisions my parents should've made for me so that I could be thankful to them for.

They didn't make decisions I didn't know how to make for me.

They didn't even help.

They only made the decisions I knew I could make myself for me, and their decisions usually made me miserable.

6 January 2015

Singapore

It rocks

Um hey!

I'm just this little little bit late right?

Everyone has their on life stories, or summaries about their previous year.

But I won't summarize my year in a few paragraphs.

I just thank those who have experienced even just a part of the year with me.

The start of the new year haven't been a great one for me how about you guys?

But I'm still smiling because who am I to sulk?

I'm never one for encouraging words and nice words for my readers (it sounds like I have a lot but I believe not); but whoever is infront of this screen I hope you know that despite whatever you know of me, I'm not much different from you.

If you're upset about your life, know that I am too. (Perhaps much more than you are; if that makes you happy)

Okay and IF you're happy, hehe I am too. (I did not edit my picture or use and filters for the photos above; I'm sure I don't disappoint)

(I HOPE NOT)

It's midnight right now and I'm full of feels.

There have been so many people asking me about my parents and why do I feel so strongly against them.

Well, it's difficult to say things like that in a few paragraphs; in words.

It's difficult to tell you guys how much I hate or strongly dislike the people I were born to love.

But be sure, I don't wanna hate them.

Nobody would really understand how it feels like so there is no need to try and make you guys understand or sympathize with me.

A picture's worth is dependent of the angle of which it is taken.

But it's still dependent of how the viewer comprehends it.

No matter how many words I use to describe my life here in the blog, only those who have been with me and have been sincere with me would come CLOSE to knowing how it is like for me.

But in that past year of 2014, I am extremely thankful for certain people and certain things.

I wouldn't name them but they should know who are they.

I may claim I'm capable of many things.

But I really have to say; I am not capable of doing anything close to how much you guys have helped me.

But you guys should know and is probably already so goddamn sick of our faces (a sickly sweet smiles), the idiot above is one of them I'm so really thankful for.

So perhaps I have this bad news for you people: honeymoon period would last slightly longer for us. (Not at all sorry about that)

For the new year, I do have expectations. But that's for me to know and do. I'll update you guys about how everything is going for me.

(But here's a sneak peak: I might be moving out of house real soon)

Oh and there's something I always wanted to do:

BOLY I miss you, can we catch up? (Someone pass the message to her?)

And tessalyn, I never forgot our friendship last time and I do cherish how we do crazy things together and save up just to buy funny and silly stuffs. I miss you like so freaking much. I'm so glad you're happy now and I wish the best for you. Don't ever change and be that crazy kong I knew please?

(Someone ask her to read it because I'm too much of a coward to do so myself)

3 January 2015

Singapore