Goodbye 2013

I’m gonna say hi, to 2014.

One of the most crucial years next year.

Anyway, I won’t to the same kind of reflection for this year as for 2013.

Because this is not a flashback, but it’s right now, it’s happening.

I’m watching the countdown on TV as I’m writing this too.

and guess what?

the famous boy band "THE WANTED" is in Singapore.

god dammit, how did i manage to be ignorant to this even?

but whatever.

ughhh their voice.

give me a fan-girl moment.

2013

H3llo, that was what I said to 1^st January 2013.

*blink*

Today, last day of 2013.

How fast was that?

the start of this year,

i wasn't recovered from the previous year's setbacks.

in fact, i may be still in the midst of getting back up.

but anyway, i believed there are traces of evidence here in this blog,

pieces of crap that i came up with while mourning for a lost but most cherished relationship.

some of you may scoff,

really? because of a guy?

yes, even that happens to me.

i went through these days with sort of an overcast over me,

negativity overwhelming me.

to be honest,

i didn't see much meaning in living then.

perhaps it was because i was too much of a coward to take my own life.

but i did things foolish enough,

or it's more of,

i didn't do anything about my life.

i left life as it is,

like a piece of waste,

i was left to rot.

i refused to believe the relationship was lost though.

i kept hoping,

regardless the countless times i've announced "i'm over this",

i was never done with the tears.

crying every single night for around 6 whole months?

got myself into loads and loads of trouble,

ranging from family, to school then with friends,

i also got the worst disgrace of my life.

what i thought was supposed to be a glamorous life,

a life one would be proud to relate.

and so i thought.

instead,

from a leader i was,

from the intelligent student i was,

from the bright and quick witted girl i was,

i became the lowest of the lowests.

the worst, of the worsts.

i don't think there's a need to elaborate on that?

but all i did,

was basically to get even more miserable,

and to allow myself to sink even more towards the bottom of the pits.

stop.

stop about these then.

i guess perhaps it isn't such a good idea to go back to where i came from?

well,

i just suddenly decided that maybe life was something more than a relationship,

something more than love.

there's got to be more to life,

than the useless flashbacks,

the useless hope,

and the useless tears i've shed for this one love.

i started off with something that i could possibly change in a short run.

my appearance,

or more like my figure.

i've been working out and lost 7kg in 5 months.

i succeeded.

i've been studying too.

i manage to improve though there isn't much i can do to my year's results anymore.

it wasn't a regret though,

it was a lesson well learnt.

it allowed me to find new reason to life.

that perhaps i should start living for myself.

to me:

love is caring about someone,

more than you care for yourself.

i've found one but he's not mine to care about.

so what do i do?

as you all like to say,

life goes on.

so yes.

i've decided to make my life better,

so much better.

new year resolution?

i wanna do well for the upcoming examinations,

not because of anything,

but because i can.

because i should have been at the top.

i'm gonna slim down even more,

not to some shocking extent,

just enough to impress myself.

i will do it,

this is not self encouragement,

but i can do it,

i have what it takes. 

my verdict/conclusion to this year:

do you dare?

i'm up for the game,

you yes you,

you will know its you i'm talking about.

i'm gonna shine so bright,

and i'll wait,

for the results of the only battle that i couldn't determine whether it's my victory anot.

it's a risk,

i will take again,

gladly.

that's my conclusion.

you'll understand (:

the wanted are signing "i found you"

YES MAN.

HOT MEN SINGING,

GOODBYE.

11:45

31 December 2013

Singapore

Maybe, just maybe, i might be getting things right this time.

Hi.

didn't expect myself to be back that early either.

i don't know if you people could guess,

get an idea of,

or actually feel what i am feeling through this drawing.

hint: i usually draw what i feel. (usually = always)

well realizing that it has been years and years of what seems like turmoil to me,

i've decided to take a little time,

sit and reflect.

i've just looked back to the first post of this blog:

life has been hard on me

2nd February 2013.

which means,

it's this year.

feels like i've had this blog for centuries but it's all but a year.

ironical isn't it?

we feel how "fast" time actually passes,

but feel that we've all aged,

we've all come across enough hardships to last a lifetime.

but it never does seem to get better.

me.

let's do a reflection or a summary,

of not this year,

but last year.

i guess there's only one way to say it:

i wish, i could begin all over again.

regret.

it may seem like a common word.

let me tell you guys,

for me,

it's unfamiliar,

terrifying

and of course painful.

i've never had regrets for the past 13 years of my life before 2012.

2012,

was disastrous.

it was hell of a ride.

it's bloody ridiculous how things turned out.

yup, that's basic info about me,

and this is how i deal with life when things turn into shit.

January 2012.

i was busy playing,

busy dreaming,

expecting a great year ahead.

February 2012.

i decided to change things a little.

i backed out of my CCA which used to be NPCC.

was a 'homeless' soul for quite awhile.

in this case, it was 'cca-less'

got into trouble with Student council commitee,

an organization i was once, proud to be in.

March 2012.

gotten the terms results.

got great results (top 50 of the school)

returned home feeling victorious.

anticipation and excitement,

for the remaining 3/4 of the year ahead.

April 2012.

slight set backs.

running away from many 'authorities' in school,

for bad behavior and CCA problem.

yes,

i havent gotten my CCA settled.

May 2012.

Mid-years examinations.

results was bad, didnt take much notice; not the slightest worried.

parents found out about the "CCA-less" state i'm in.

auditioned for a new cca.

June 2012.

Found ya!

turning point of life.

i got accepted into the CCA (it's not the turning point i'm referring to) 

it was the person that gave the news to me that i was accepted.

it was the him,

that made everything change.

if you read this,

yes i'm talking about you.

July 2012.

15th boyfriend. (don't give me that appalled look)

1st guy i loved besides my brother.

i thought maybe? that was what love is. 

was it?

August 2012.

yes.

"this was it"

even had baby names.

exhilarating, had adrenaline rushing,sweet and beautiful.

maybe?

i would get married to this man.

September 2012.

parents.

they got involved in my relationship.

fullstop.

the end of the relationship.

we both stopped fighting.

October 2012.

results, extremely bad.

failure to get into the subject combination i wanted.

regretted the choice to give up what i wanted to keep most.

all i could do was cry,

every single day and night.

November and December of 2012.

yes, year end.

yes, holidays.

cry.

was all i did.

Alright. you've heard the year. what of it?

it was the best year right?

but it was the worse.

i've met AND lost the person,

i might love the most in this entire universe.

i learnt what love was about.

but i paid such a huge price.

my verdict remains, it was worth it.

it was exciting, beautiful, crazy, simple,

but it was painful.

it hurts from inside, in the bones and tears could hardly express it.

it wasn't only the relationship,

it was everything.

i blamed my parents for the breakup.

i hated myself for causing the regret.

i hated my results.

i have never hated my life,

until then.

i've managed to live without regrets for 13 years,

in the 14th,

one is one too much to handle.

people leave i know.

i felt i knew that it would befall upon me,

that tragedy.

but nevertheless,

it still hit me like a bolt.

it was short lived;

that's what makes it beautiful.

i tried to mend.

i begged.

i cried.

i pretended.

i realized,

life doesn't always go the direction you want it to.

i learnt 3 words:

suck it up.

so, i ended the year by living my own version of the famous movie:

the walking dead.

next post would be summary 2013.

29 December 2013

Singapore

i know there are a thousand stars up there, but...

HI.

i know i promised that this post would say:

pictures speak a thousand words.

but firstly, i'm too lazy to post all the photos,

secondly, i think we shouldn't be living in the past, should we?

but there'll be photos and i obviously got my phone with me.

well that's my cousin.

one thing we did quite often, is to swim.

just incase you don't get me,

i meant when they came for a stay of in singapore.

that's ofcourse the cousin that's like a sister to me,

the one that got so much closer to me.

call her Yinn.

well, i think i look like a pageant queen in this picture.

not feeling good about myself but yeah.

i did charity and was taken picture of so...

oh and happy belated xmas people! i know it's really late but what's with studies and all...

you could tell that my enthusiasm level isn't high but well,

i haven't much vigor left in me, or whatever it is.

recently i feel like an old woman,

who've been through so much and am really tired.

so just one christmas picture(:

so that's another cousin, who claims that she loves me every minute.

call her qian.

oh this picture reminds me...

yep, i got a new hairstyle.

i curled my hair.

somehow i feel that such an important year ahead,

such a huge battle,

it feels like the beginning and a brand new start to the determination of my future.

see. i told ya i'm abit "old" these days.

so let's start on some matters that i've got in my heart.

this blog feels like a diary to me,

it has been created during the darkest days of my life.

somehow,

it always feels better to write.

i know that i will do well in the year ahead,

examinations and all.

i know i will.

but i know i will suffer and pay for what i want.

i know it's hard work.

i feel so small,

like i'm trying to be brave.

what am i talking about.

i just said i was "old",

now i'm small.

*sigh*

i am lucky because i have a clear goal already.

i would not reveal my goal,

but i already have a clear picture of my future.

because i no longer believe in miracles,

no longer trust in surprises,

i have a fixed road i have chosen for myself.

the years ahead would be so difficult,

but starting january 1st 2014,

i'm prepared for any shit life has got for me.

i think life has forced me in seeing sense,

into realizing that i have a long way in life to go;

to long to risk any time thinking about the past.

no matter how much it means to me.

hope

is a liar.

you don't hope,

you act.

only when you put your thoughts into action,

things will happen.

i know there are a thousand stars up there but i just need to shine the brightest.

i just need to shine and i'll be happy.

happiness is what one earns.

if you don't work hard for it,

you can never ensure it stays.

let's discuss the universal topic,

the topic everyone spits about,

every gossip tend to burn about,

and everyone seems to care about.

materials.

so?

we all say,

like saints do,

like everyone speak,

like how the words form easily and naturally,

we all define:

"materialism is what causes the war, the bloodshed and the cold hearts in humans"

elders shake their heads and comment:

"what's most important aren't things and possessions"

exemplary students would declare:

"love is what grants us happiness, not our countless achievements or material goods."

well i'm here to ask:

is that so?

but in this world we are living in,

in the battle or beings are fighting in,

isn't that all we need?

people of the society stood firm and spoke of righteousness, of values and principles, of care and concern and of love and trust.

i have been screaming in my head,

protesting in my heart,

please!fools, stop the lies.

because if you were that great,

you'd be saints.

admit it, we all slog and work hard all our lives.

what was it for?

to be saints?

i think not.

what i understand from this phrase above is this:

we need a balance of bright and dark,

rich and poor,

victories and defeats.

because only with the contrast,

we differentiate between us.

some may ask,

why must there be a difference?

because that is exactly what all of us has been working hard for,

has been living for,

what all our hopes and dreams has been depending on and eating off from.

it's what we define success.

it is that important isn't it?

in life,

to win and to achieve is just that important.

such that i've learn to be ignorant to everything,

to focus on winning this battle.

only with darkness will you see light.

those people holding the positive light,

looking for hopes and dreams,

waiting for surprises to come when you turn the corner,

being careful and preparing for future danger,

you're all looking at the wrong things.

you're all believing the wrong things.

because only without the light,

without those distractions and what i define as myths,

will you see clearly where's the goal,

the light you should be heading for.

and not what you think you're holding on to.

but this world,

it is funny.

if there is a god,

he must be mocking at us.

28 December 2013

Singapore