It Changed

When you think... or wish, everything gets better

when you feel your heart lifting and beating in sync with the vibrations of your laugh

when you lie in his arms, his shirt, sweaty and wet

when you dont mind th stench of sweat,

because as usual you're being overwhelmed by his smell.

but what he doesn't know,

is you're secretly mesmerized by a sound that belonged to you, and only you.

it was't his voice.

it's his heart beating,

as you lay there safe and protected,

in his arms and on his chest.

i hate goodbyes,

i hate quarreling.

i hate it when your mother gets her way with you,

because you're mine.

the relationship is ours,

i'll protect it like a warrior,

with my life.

i always beg silently,

please don't break my heart.

i pray to someone above,

please let him understand my love.

love is such a complex thing.

It kept getting out of reach,

this love.

It kept getting back in a firm grip.

And then it got away completely.

"let's break up"

although it was a message.

it resounded in my whole being.

"let's break up"

i cannot stand you anymore.

your temper.

I'm sorry.

1 year and almost 3 months.

"let's break up"

it broken apart.

i knew i said it alot.

and it hurt, when i said it, it hurt really bad.

my lungs would burn.

the tears would fall.

but not like the only time you said it.

just not like it.

i hope you understand,

i lost everything tonight.

even though,

the heart is broken.

i still remember that sound of your heartbeat.

the smell that got me crazy.

i won't give up.

but i need time.

Hey there,

let's give it a try,

okay?

25 November 2015

Singapore

Love Yourself

Nobody's going to love you when you do not love yourself.

Sometimes you move to a stage in life you really cannot move on. You get hurt so much you think of going back.

But because you cannot, you stay where you are, not willing to move any further from the past you so want to rewrite.

people fall in love many times in life, they fall out of love too.

i remember that day when i broke up with someone i loved and i was crying and i was heartbroken and i was falling apart.

Then someone told me "people fall in and out of love; and it is those who fall back regardless the issue that are worth the broken heart"

I held on to many things in my life.

I held on to hope that we would patch until 2 years later.

i held on to the hope that i could enter a Junior College until i realize i was struggling in Polytechnic never accepting the reality that i was given.

I held on to everything i wanted so much.

Through everything, I lost so much.

i learnt everything the difficult way.

I'm still making mistakes and i'm still crying.

I hate myself, and i insult myself.

I get affected when people see right through the front i put up.

But there is something i always wanted to tell everyone.

something even my boyfriend should know about me.

I may have things i absolutely have no clue about,

i have things that no matter how hard i try,

i can never do good enough.

But those are things only i can be frustrated at myself for.

Those are flaws only i have the right to criticize myself about.

No one, NO ONE should be telling me those are things i SHOULD be doing.

You shouldn't be making feel upset just because of my inabilities.

picking on my weakness,

that's a good strategy to beat your enemy,

and it works all the time.

If you hate me,

you point out these things and let me tell you,

i get hurt all the time.

EVERY single time i get affected.

and if i don't,

i'm just pretending.

i love commenting on the things people do.

i love insulting the people i hate.

But when there are people who do it back,

i get furious.

i curse and i swear.

i am arrogant and i feel that nobody has the right to criticize me; my looks, my life, my character.

Sometimes, i get tired of fighting.

and i look around me filled with people who have beautiful eyes, skin, figure.

i see people who have thinner legs, prettier clothes, a beautiful voice.

i feel envious, no JEALOUS.

it is those times i shop for baggy jeans, i plan for workouts and i do everything that could reassure myself.

that's the time i really really HATE myself.

when my boyfriend looks at a girl with an awestruck expression,

i know that's beauty in his eyes.

i really don't care about those times i got praises anymore.

i don't care about those times i managed to found thicker people and people who did poorly in school,

because at that moment someone i cared about looked at someone else with THAT expression,

i lost completely.

winning is important to me.

Butreally, whether i win or not in this game with millions of girls in this world,

does it matter?

everyone has their story.

i love how i look in the mirror.

i love that my eyes are bigger with those double eyelids.

i am taller than many girls.

i am smarter, i pick things up faster.

i have things they want but can never get no matter how they try.

but why do i hate myself?

why am i stupid, ugly and miserable?

because i have my flaws, that only i can hate myself for.

i have my story that only i understand.

if you hate me, pick out the knives and hurdles from that story.

if you cannot be bothered, you don't know i hate myself.

But if you even care just a little,

please tell me,

the little bulge on my stomach,

the thigh gap i could never keep with me,

the most obvious littlest flaws,

please tell me they don't matter.

you have to reassure me.

you have to show me how it doesn't matter to you,

when it means the world to me.

you have to show me how to love myself.

how to look at myself in the mirror and love it.

Ofcourse, when people leave,

i feel confused and hurt.

but i know what's happening.

even though i might say "i'm too good for them"

but in fact, when people leave,

it just means they don't understand that you hate yourself,

that you need them to stay.

They couldn't be bothered to reassure you.

They couldn't stay long enough to show you,

how you should love yourself.

No matter how hard it had made you fall,

you will have to pick yourself,

and that little confidence you have left,

to fight the battle you can never be sure you can win.

To all the people in polytechnic that didn't bother to tolerate with me,

even though i walked with my head held high,

i did my presentations when nobody really listened,

i pretended not to hear your laughter,

it hurt.

And deep down,

that is how i felt about what happened this past year.

To my boyfriend,

everytime you overlook that some words you say could hurt me,

you compromise me to do something else,

you praise another girl,

i feel as if i'm the only one that loves myself.

how can i continue to love myself?

every girl began with loving themselves.

I am at fault and i should be punished,

sometimes,

i ask myself:

"if i knew i should be loving myself to win, why do i still end up losing, and hating myself?"

21 November 2016

Singapore

Taiwan

I'm having so much fun.

This is probably the last time I see these lovely cousins until a very Long time.

I see their smiles and their laughter and I know I won't be able to have these anymore.

I was thinking of my boy back at home and how happy I'll be to be back with him, leaving these people behind.

I had not a single cent but it was great fun.

I don't smile but I promise you it was great fun because I get to see how much my cousins cared for me when they bought me things I really wanted, for someone that's gonna take me away from them.

My clothes don't suit and my jacket is out of place. 

But I'm definitely perfectly happy because I have my cousins for that last time.

I'm so happy that I bought a pair of clothing that my boy would love and the rest of the money I was given for food, I bought everything for someone I love.

I saw so many beautiful things. They could be beautiful for me, but it was always the most beautiful for my boy.

Everything was him.

Although he's not here, I'm too happy .

My cousins asked why do I talk less, laugh less and act a little crazy.

I didn't answer them.

I cry silent happy tears.

I'm so damn happy.

Taiwan is the first time I'm overseas for a vacation, it's the best first trip anyone can ever ask for so far.

I'm so happy he understands that I'm happy.

I'm so exhausted every night I black out.

That's how hard I played and how happy we're my times.

So many things for you.

Just one heart, and also for you.

05 November 2015

Taiwan