I've been losing control

This is becoming difficult.

I still remember the first day I stepped into secondary school.

The exact thing that was going through my head was:

"A new stage of my life, a new beginning. This is going to be different"

Different it has been indeed.

If you'd known me when I was in primary school you'd say so too.

I've changed indeed. And change a lot i did. (Involuntarily)

That's what secondary school does to you.

Relax people, this is not the grand finale yet, not yet until I've taken my o's.

But I know when I'm in primary school, I wouldn't look into the mirror more than once before I leave my house.

I know also I wouldn't have more than 10 new clothes each YEAR.

I wouldn't have taken more than 100 photos a YEAR.

I wouldn't even have a single social networking account.

The list can go on.

Everything have changed.

Right now it's not stopping.

It keeps on giving me shocking twists and turns I'm starting to feel like I can't cope anymore.

Maybe that's what happens to everyone right before a major examination in their lives.

Well it has been hell of a time for me this past month.

I cried so many times I don't even know how many times.

Let's think cool thoughts (winks)

Yup that's about all there is to my life now. I change the topic when it becomes to overwhelming like how I think of other things when it gets too difficult.

Toilet selfie (skipping school again)

Fina

Too good looking for me, she is.

Also, I found out that running to school takes half the amount of time used when taking the bus to school. (By running late at night with him to school from our houses)

And we pay transport fees for buses, but pay the layer of fats when we jog.

Pity jogging to school is not an option.

Because there'll be judging eyes everywhere (but mostly because I'm too lazy)

I wanted to take a photo to end this post but my phone goes: not enough storage.

Your eyes shall be spared then.

This is cut to remind myself to never again hope that my mom will go back to how she was 8 years ago.

And to never forgive her again to find that I shouldn't ever have.

Bye for now darlings.

*tomorrow marks the start of another exam -.-

Let's see how I fare... AGAIN.

31 August 2014

Singapore

I had a bad day

Today was the record high nastiest day ever for me.

NOTHING went right.

For starters, I woke up at 7 for tuition and my entire room reek of alcohol.

Thanks to my brother and his girlfriend crashing my room.

Oh not ONLY alcohol, there's cigarette too.

I cannot get out of my took fast enough.

Then, I went to do some math practice. Which was the first time I'd actually say down after making up my mind to do some revision after that preliminary examinations I just had.

Guess what?

ALL my practice papers that I'd done is nowhere in sight and I actually spent 1hr searching high and low for them.

NONE of them surfaced. NONE.

Do this to me huh?!

So this day has been bad so far but let's just try to remain cheerful.

We shall go for tuition with an open mind~

So much for cool thoughts.

At the last minute when I'm all set to head out of the gate.

My "lovely" mom had to wake up. She just had to show her fucking face.

she went all like "I think you like to make me angry purposely" or "you just like to do things against what I want you to do"

My DEAR mother, please scold me in decent English.

SECONDLY, YES I TOTALLY LOVE IT WHEN YOU SCREAM IN MY FACE WITH YOUR SPIT FLYING ALL OVER MY FACE.

It's moisturizing?

The worst thing is.

She has this smug expression on her face that makes you wanna slap her, because you know she definitely has done something that would piss you the hell off.

Indeed.

"Go speak to your dad if you want your parcel back, what have you bought again?! We don't want you to shop online!!"

Please tell me we have not gone back to the olden days.

Seriously?

Does she want pigeons and letters, those are safer??

I bought HAND CREAM because my hand is so dry and whose genes is that?!

And they were suppose to buy that for me. I had to buy it myself and they had it in them to confiscate it?

I used $51.20 to buy that stuff.

And they just confiscated it because I bought it online.

ITS MY MONEY THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO USE FOR MY LUNCH.

If I think I want my hand cream, WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH YOU FUCKERS?

Okay deep breaths.

My parents were like that since forever right?

Fine, they want the cream, get it. FINE.

So I went out and trust me, I was the farthest anyone can go from happy.

The day has not taken it's worst turns yet.

Next it's a who, it's someone. Someone I saw to convince me this day was jinxed.

Guess who?

Ya none other than WY.

Ring some bells? Remember that guy I cried over for 1.5 years and more?

The one that graduated and fuck the hell outta my life so that I can be happy again.

Just HAD to meet him. JUST had to see him. Exactly like he was before he graduated.

Did not change one bit.

I was begging for this day to just be a nightmare.

Blinked a few times but yea he's still there.

So I took a huge turn and hid behind a pillar.

Real smooth Cythia, real smooth. As smooth as CHUNKY peanut butter.

Hey brain, heart, body, EVERYTHING, I thought you didn't care anymore?

Why hide?

Beats me too.

So as I was hiding I stared towards the direction of a playground.

I saw an old lady in her 60s or 70s.

"PLOP,PLOP,PLOP"

Guess what horrifying thing did I witness? (Nope she did not shit in public)

She hit herself on the head with her shoe so many times I couldn't count.

It wasn't those merciful hits those bitches would hit themselves with to gain pity.

It was blow after blow to her head I'm quite sure she'll have a really really bad bruise.

She doesn't stop after round one.

She stop for awhile to catch a breath, to cuss at the empty space infront of her, and proceeds with her attack to her own head.

Where were her family members?

Shouldn't they be looking out for her?

For once, I was momentarily lost for words to describe human kind.

I really miss my grandparents in Malaysia.

I really miss my late relatives.

All of a sudden.

So well, I guess i have to be thankful that I didn't fall out of the bus, trip over a rock, fall into a drain, step on dog poo or things like that while I travelled to tuition.

Arrived safely in tuition but trust me.

All positive thoughts were gone.

I was in a daze and I didn't answer an question correctly.

I decided today was a baaaaad day. Really bad day.

So I had to eat.

So eat I did.

Everything fattening.

I had deep fried sweet potato

I had macdonalds.

I bought chips.

I ate and ate and ate.

Until finally I can eat no more.

I arrived home and guess what I found in my room?

It scared the living daylights out of me.

Can something look more like a cockroach?!

It's just... Are grasshoppers or crickets the twins of cockroach?

And to me it might seem revolting enough to send all the food I've gotten in the day right back out, but to the ants it's like Christmas chicken.

Is this thing even sweet?!

Or ants have just become so desperate they eat anything-.-

Professional.

Pest control agent: Cythia Tan

So that happened at 11 56 pm of my day.

It is currently 12 00am and I'm sitting on the sofa typing this blogpost.

So it wasn't exactly a great start of my intensive revision period.

That's what I named this period of time where I have decided to go back into revision because guess what?!

I have yet another examinations. Another school examination.

It's like another chance for me to study and do well since this time, I'm pretty sure it's the last examination I'm gonna have in this school.

Wish me luck, perseverance and a little more intelligence!

Oh and I was kidding about the "letting my parents take my stuffs" thing.

I'm gonna sneak into my dad's room and find the parcel and do some contents swop so it looks the same as before.

Now I really need some ninja skills.

Hope all the good food has given me stealth!

Whatever, how do I even manage to sound happy at a time like this.

18 August 2014

Singapore 

Words, those words.

For those of you who've been asking me why have I suddenly disappeared for the social networks?

Well, I've been cooped up at home, burying my nose into piles and piles of books.

Okay, maybe not that bad.

But you get the idea?

Well, there are a few things I learnt through this short yet LONG two weeks of my life.

Oh trust me, I've never worked so hard before, although that's definitely not even close to hard enough.

But I've never. NEVER studied that hard before. I've never studied in fact, never really sat down and worked hard. Hell, it's tiring man it is.

Thing is, I've spent days setting the foundation for my exams with schedules, modulas, notes and stuff.

But when the real day comes, when the real deal is happening, I just screw up.

For example, right before the day of the exam, those crucial hours you've got to nail those concepts in your head? Ya, those are the times I chose to watch videos online, to eat, and to sleep.

Trust me guys, I hate myself everytime I think of how weak I am. How I actually vowed to myself that I'll do so well this time I'll be shocked. And how I make a joke out of myself to MYSELF.

My take on this, where I screw up yet another examination:

I would very much rather everyone disbelieving in me, I would very much rather have no support from anyone.

But what I really want is to be able to believe that I actually can do it. 

Because people, being insulted in one thing; actually believing that insult directed at YOU is another.

Being doubted is one thing; but doubting YOURSELF is another.

Other people's words are nothing compared to what I tell MYSELF everyday so ya, that's it about my exams

Next up, it's just something I've been thinking about lately.

Here's what I do when I screw up in life, when I mess things up for MYSELF, and feel messed up like a piece of trash (which is like all the time since I entered secondary school)

1. When I lose control of my emotions?

> I make it worse. I go by this theory: since it's already happened, let's make the MOST out of it. MOST, being the act of letting the worst thought that cross my mind slip outta my mouth.

Yep, that's when the damages done. That's when I lose my friends and I lose respect. Which, brings me to my second point.

2. When I realize the people around me hates me.

> my solution to this us pretty simple. I simply hate them back. (:

3. When I fail in everything I do and make it worse by not trying anymore.

> well, I compile every of my failures and hate myself for them. It's simple, like how you look at yourself straight in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how ugly and distorted your features are.

Basically, let the hatred drive you through extremes you never thought you're capable of.

Accusing myself of things I have never done and telling myself I'm bad at things I'm actually good at.

That's usually my way of improving myself.

I'm not saying any of you should do that, in fact none if you should at all.

I'm just telling you people that there's no need to tell me I'm strong or to envy me because I screw up ALL THE TIME.

I have the ability to do well for so many damn things but what is the use when everyone believes you can do well,Your friends thinks you're the genius, your teachers have nothing but high expectations from you, YET, YET I don't do it.

I just screw up and I fail. Over and over again and I watch other people starting to say: hey, maybe I was wrong about her. MAYBE, she needs more tutoring than I thought.

I know I have myself to blame, but I can't accept it.

That's the reason alright, some of you, no need to find some reason to hurt me or some reason you can come up with for me to be ashamed of myself.

I'm precisely that, I am, ashamed all the time of MYSELF.

This is why, I refuse to ask the teachers for help and this is WHY I refuse to wake up in class.

Because I refuse to admit that the person I was, that person that never needs help, that's the "genius", has messed up big time and now she NEEDS THE HELP.

Thing is, we all know. At least I know, I know whenever I look into someone's face whether or not that person actually likes me.

Stop wasting your time people, stop trying to make yourself feel good by telling me how much you hate me.

Because I can see it, that you hate me. ITS FUCKING WRITTEN ON YOUR FACE.

Oh sure, some people just surprises you because you never expect that look from certain faces, but they just prove it that they don't actually like you.

Oh yes, big deal, NEWS FLASH, I get hurt too.

Wake up people, why won't I get hurt? Just because I haven't done anything wrong? Or just because somehow my life looks fucking perfect to you? So I won't be sad?

Well HELL no.

I've sat down thinking desperately of how to make people like me again. (For Those people that don't) I've been through that.

Ya you're wearing a mask. That's what people like to say nowadays, those bitches on TV, those supposedly "mature" commenters in Instagram.

They say: why are you lying? Why are you deceiving? Why are you wearing a mask? You double face!!!

Well bitch, when I wear a mask, I'm SHOWING you I don't like you. That's for me at least. You know it's a mask right? That's the thing about masks, you SEE them, so you DO know, no reason to feel betrayed.

If you walk pass someone with a double face.

PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU'RE BLIND ENOUGH TO MISS THIS^

It's all freaking obvious if you humans would just face it that there are tons of people who don't like you and quit trying to be shocked over it. Quit trying to be hurt, putting on that show.

You're not hurt, you're just angry because when things come to light in black and white, you're being forced to face the things you've known all your life but have tried the whole time to avoid it.

Well too bad for you, life sucks as always.

Okay let's tone this down a little.

I'm just being super upset that I know I'm not gonna get the A's I wanted so badly this time.

But I'm most upset about the fact that I knew I was gonna feel this way but I still make the choice of not putting in that last bit of hard work.

I seem to have taken a liking to cause maximum damage to myself.

Well it's ALL ABOUT ME.

So here's what I do this two weeks and more I've been away from my blog and all.

For those of you who don't know,

The first time I stepped into the Universal Studios Singapore was just weeks ago. Okay I know universal studios is like "THE WHOLE WORLD HAS BEEN THERE" thing but well, I haven't. Stop telling me you've been there so many times or something because THATS FUCKING STUPID.

Why you keep going to a same place and taking pictures of the same thing and posting it on Instagram? Social networks?

WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID.

Don't tell me how many times you've been there.

 I did not ask.

I've been to the poly clinic thrice within these weeks to get my medical certificate so I could skip school because it's getting abit tiring to go to the place.(that school)

Wait, correction: it's getting SHITTY, CRAPPY, DISGUSTING to wake up every darn morning and go to a place full of giggling bitches (some people are like that)

Oh wait, now there's a new trend, FULL OF GIGGLING BOYS.

The male population got some mutation going on or something.

Well I skipped school but it was for something good.

I hung out with someone that is actually real.

Like "real" is so rare it becomes surreal when you meet someone who actually is.

We had a meal at Fish and Co.

Their fish is just wonderful, needless to say.

I mean that's why we even went there.

And here's something I found on the menu in a restaurant I had lunch at midst skipping school.

Am I the only one that gets what's happening?

And here's my seriously cute friend who loves taking photos while biting a carrot.

Hmm... Cute.

If you're reading this: I am so in love with you man. <3

Thanks for another face that shows me that human beings are still capable of being who they feel they should be.

Not who they make themselves be.

Yoghurt with cereals and strawberries.

Tuna and egg sandwich.

I bought a fruit blender.

To make fruit juice. Ofcourse?

Papaya milk. Ofcourse????

 

Finally, the papaya milk is ready.

All that steps just for one cup of fruit milkshake.

Well, worth it. It was worth it because it's damn good. The juice is damn good.

Tastes better when you made it on your own.

It's a after exam thing that you go kinda crazy.

Had great but fattening food.

CHEESE baked RICE.

See the calories?

And I haven't been exercising a lot too.

Fuck, sometimes, exams just really deserve the hate.

House.

Okay so this is the post exam post ;D

And expect the post results post.

Oh and words are just a sequence of letters if you don't make sense of it.

If you don't choose to understand it.

But I understand as humans, it's not within our means to control what our brain comprehends.

But it is within our means what we want to make of those words.

And here are my current choice:

Don't fuck with me because no matter how small you want to think I am, I will not tolerate and amount of nonsense.

Don't mess with me because you don't want to mess with the wrong person.

LAST LAST note:

I don't know what's marriage to you guys.

But love is this to me:

" it's a really beautiful thing to find that someone you really want to annoy the rest of your life."

6 August 2014

Singapore