Nothing EVER belongs to me

hey.
I was just wondering if people knew who i was (or do they even bother?) before forming some weird impression of me and insist that that's me.

That's who you are Cynthia. 

I mean i'm never one of those people that go like "don't judge me if you don't know my story"

But seriously now guys, why do you even bother asserting some personal judgement on me?
Why do some people argue with ME on what kind of a person i am?

I don't know about you, but i know who and how and what exactly i am. I know my weaknesses better than ANY of you do.

So take MY word for who i am and i'm serious. It is one thing to judge, but another to accuse and spread stories that hurt and then its like being branded.

i hate it.

i hate people who tell me i'm immature. Well kid, i wish i was. i seriously wish i wore diapers like you did and i was allowed to slam doors when i was angry or i was allowed to fall sick and have dreams to be princesses.

I seriously wish that getting good grades was EVERYTHING to me and i only needed to bother about my grades and friendships and silly little bitch fights.

oh, and cry and say i hate "double faced people", "backstabbers"... blablabla

I wish, that the monsters in my life are as silly as the monsters in your lives.

I don't give a shit if you're my friend a not because i know even if i did, you wouldn't bother being nicer. (this is to everyone that thinks that loners are joke)

Well, where is this post leading to?

It's just about how silly people around me are. I don't think that the people that has laughed and scolded me behind my back or never tried to befriend me, KNOWS who exactly i am. 

And i'm fine with that.

I'm fine with having do deal with my problems and having to feel how unfair it is that all you stupid people don't have to go through some problems that i have to.

I'm fine also, with having this same people giggle at me and have me wish i was popular so i could get back at them.

But mostly, I'm fine with being alone in school or feeling like there's something wrong with me.

I mean, there IS something wrong with me.

I am severely handicapped.

I don't have things so many of you grew up with and i HAVE to live with it.
I have to be forced to be envious of so many people that disrespected me, whom i thought was so much weaker and undeserving than me.

When i was in kindergarten, my legs my eyes my hands even my thoughts don't belong to me.

I was punished in a way that made me realized i was never gonna be a princess and life was not a fairy-tale. 
Hell, i was NEVER grounded. Because i was never allowed to even go out in the first place? My punishments were NEVER beatings.

it was humiliation. Public humiliation.

When i was in primary school, my hair my school my grades my privacy and even, my story books, they don't belong to me.

i was condemned crashed torn and broken in a way that made me realized, that fighting and tearing your opponents down was more important than anything else.

 My parents called me a slut for having a crush on a cute guy. What can be more important for a slut than to bring down another slut so you could look better right?

Imagine how i surprised i would be when people started calling me that in Secondary school. when everyone called everyone a slut in school.

Finally, everyone else are the same species. 

I am not gonna continue with this because that is a life story. it is actually my whole damn life. One damn post can't tell you who i am.

Just like how one gossip session can't tell you how EVERYONE is. If you like to gossip, you can. That tongue is yours (unless i fucking cut it). But make sure you don't affect people's lives. Make sure you don't cause others to be really unhappy. Unless you intend to help them, do not hurt them.

But nah, i was never a believer of the human species. People are incapable of being nice. (yes, there was no fucking reason why i posted this). You people have tried your best to tell me who i am and tell me how stupid dirty or whatever that comes out of the "smart" mouths of yours.

And i'm still happy. So quit trying to bring me down and wipe the fucking irritating smile off my face.

If the smile could be removed, it would already have been done years before you knew what was "happiness".

18 June 2016

Singapore

Appreciative

Well, this would come as a surprise to many...
I actually want to express my appreciation to the Singaporean Education System.

well, in the least, to my school: Serangoon Junior College.

People who are closer to me would know that i HATE the education system in Singapore...

"zero freedom, a million rules and JUST SO INFLEXIBLE"

No creativity! Every student are just made to be homework robots.

But today, i realize that despite the intense dislike for the system, i have to thank them for being the pair of hands that pulled me up and kept me afloat when i show a serious lack of effort.

1. The teachers in our school are very dedicated and efficient

Why do i say that? I do not do my homework, HELL i do not even go to school. But when i reach out, i will never be afraid that the teachers would not be there to receive me.

people might say: that's their duty. Honestly, it is the teacher's duty to help students who want to be helped and despite everything i complained about inflexibility...

The teachers helped me despite my attitude. Despite their high expectations being led down time and again?

Despite breaking every promise i made to try harder...

2. The school gives us VERY accessible information to our school work and it is easy to take charge of your own learning anytime and anywhere.


Lectures are recorded for thought that students were dozing off in lectures.
answer schemes are uploaded in the school portal for thought that students do not copy or listen during tutorials.

or simply, for students like me, who are frequently absent and never fail to complete .... all of the above ^

My sincere Thank You for being silent and accepting life savers who hold me up and protect me like my parents should have.

10 May 2015
Singapore

Baby

To many, having a baby is a blessing.

to some, it is disastrous.

Freedom is lost, dreams wither into nothingness.

Responsibility... burden.

The little life in you, the small kicks it gives you after being there for 5 months...

What does it mean?

Could it bring two people in love closer together.... or tear them apart?

Baby.

Sometimes my dear girl, i'm envious of you.

But, you have to make the choice as it determines...

your happiness.

And the baby's.

5 May 2016
Singapore

Helpless

I haven't updated this space for awhile. I have been pretty busy with school and my usual social problems.

I seem to have become a social disaster over the past 3 years; and i'm learning to accept and love it. You have no idea how elated i am to actually be able to say i am "busy with school"

Believe it or not, i am starting to embrace the work load at school. I am studying. Or even more ridiculously unbelievable: i am going to school, on a regular basis

I have sat through lectures and tutorials and i actually learn something.

Pardon me for making a fuss out of the fundamental things in life.

I am getting decent grades (i actually make the top few of the class for most of my subjects)

sorry for bragging a little, it was a long time since i was able to do that.

to make up for it, those were actually just a few small tests and graded assignments.

and my math grade is hilarious - i'm so far behind i scored a 5/25.

(unashamed, because the little failure keeps me rooted and motivated)

I have become pretty much a "better" kid ( i almost despise myself)

But i am happier and i can spend each day without worrying.

I love my subjects.

Some people just hate me, and it bothers me. But sometimes, it's okay to laugh it off.

My greatest achievement these months is to become comfortable with being alone.

i don't need a crowd to prove my worth.

But i can't do without friends.

Anyway, my grandmother is hospitalized. I visit her daily and she is in critical condition. 

I don't want to say much about her condition because it hurts and it is something very close to my heart.

It is the first time, i am faced with death every day.

up close.

The hours i spent just holding her hand and looking at her,

i realize that her struggles are all written on her face.

and i want to say Thank You,

Grandma.

For not giving up.

It would have hurt to see someone who rejoice at meeting me every single time 

Go away.

And I'm so sorry I couldn't take away those tubes that are piercing your skin,
That are hurting you.

I'm so sorry you asked me to tell them, with your frantic hand gestures
To tear that tube from your throat and your lungs,

Because it is so painful.
I know, and I'm sorry because that's all I'm capable of.
I just know, and I can only watch as I see tears on your eyelash.

I know it hurts and you're closing your eyes to keep everything within.
And all I can do, is hold your hand gingerly because of all those tubes,

And give it a very light squeeze.

I hope you know,

I'm so very sorry for being 

Helpless; USELESS.

And I hope you get really well,
Really soon.

Because it really hurts, maybe not as much as you feel,

But it hurts grandma, to just watch.

Please, pull through.

25 April 2016

Singapore 

How many times do i have to restart?

I constantly ask myself: 

is this really it?

OR i constantly TELL myself: 
this time i would ensure a change, i would show all of them that I CAN do it. 

i am NOT just an empty shell, a mere strong exterior, a fluke.
Always, such wasted attention, such undeserving appreciation and such over estimated capabilities... Am i really just a girl asking for drama and attention?

Am i really just that?

I have failed so many times that i have become history. I have disappointed others so many times that i am even, unfit to be the gossip topic OR the source of entertainment to some people.

i have found countless excuses for myself to believe there was a reason. But i ask myself

was there really?

The world wouldn't wait for anyone. There was no time for you to "discover yourself" 

Notice that i made use of the inverted commas; this is because, are you really "discovering yourself" or are you really just avoiding your problems and finding time for you to do so.

Because there is nothing to discover. 

There is just you, your attitude towards life, and your intellect. 

There is just relations, battles, effort and consistency.

There is NO slack. No such thing as "i need some time to begin again" "i need to stand back up" "i cant do this"

Time waits for no man.

I realized as i was "taking some time" to measure my life, to start afresh, to ponder over break ups, cry over love quotes and making resolutions; 

Everyone else has already moved on.

every one else has MET their goals and move on.

And you're that clown who was still thinking of how great of a goal you have. How strong your aspirations are and how ambitious you are.

so i was thinking "i dream big"

Oh yea and then i can continue just dreaming. 

i always say i want to do this. i want to do that.

but question is, 

how badly do i actually want it?

bad enough to give up my time for it? Bad enough to pour over books during a holiday? Bad enough to go to school even with discrimination and being outcast-ed?

or       just bad enough to cry over it after i have failed to do it?

So the question i wanted to ask myself is this:

How many times do you have to fail to realize that you can't afford to? That you really WANT this?

How many "restarts" do you need to begin your quest for success?

Well i can only continue asking myself while others are studying harder, working more, and improving themselves.

you don't have time anymore, Cy thia.

You need to wake up.

Last;y, i would like to tell myself:

Good job Cy thia, you have managed to complete absolutely no homework or revision during the one week holiday you have.

No wonder i have been failing.

19 March 2016
Singapore 

heights

Back then she was cold,

thunder storms and poring rain.

she looked ahead with a set of strong brown eyes,

with dreams taller than the mountain she was climbing.

She was never afraid.

Never of the heights.

She enjoys the thrill a fall gave her;

the strength the pain and her fiery temper.

Like the flames that burnt away in a bonfire,

she cackled with victory as she shone brighter.

But she was cold and way too high;

and she knew there was no wings she could rely

on to fly.

She knew it was never going to work,

she knew the warmth would never stay.

she knew she would break down her icy cold brown eyes,

and melt her heart with his sugared lies.

She knew that even as she was lost,

frightened and going in circles,

in the woods and every river she crossed,

feels like a gaping black ocean.

but remember she was not afraid.

not of heights.

This place is somewhere she knew was forbidden,

but he was there.

and so she went.

and with scars and blood that tasted like wine,

she was addicted and never look back for time to rewind.

because if she could make her choice once more,

she would have clawed her way through the woods,

and leave the bed of soft freezing snow,

and follow the path she know,

would lead her into the forest with deathly claws

and she eventually arrived at the edge...

and fell.

she was now terrified.

of the height.

8 March 2016

Singapore

For the next 2 years

Hey, so i am here to clear some of your doubts on my ask.fm.

I got into Serangoon Junior College.

I have not forgotten the joy of being able to transfer to a college,

from a hell hole,

so yeah, i am very very thankful.

Funny how i do not actually feel the urge to appeal to the schools that hadn't accept me.

To do a recap,

or an update for those who do not know,

i scored a 14. (-4) in my O levels.

It ain't anything good but hey,

i no longer cringe when i say it.

Catholic Junior College and Meridian Junior College both has a cut off of 10,

but rejected me.

I don't even feel sad.

I'm excited to begin this short journey of 2 years,

but i'll have to tackle 2016 first.

I am getting a tattoo sooner than you think,

my only issue is that i am not very sure if i should spend that amount of money.

especially when i am moving out this year.

more on that later.

A joke to share with you.

If you haven't read one of my previous posts,

you should.

http://devil-angel-taiskye.blogspot.sg/2015/05/public-display-of-affection.html

Temasek Junior College fell from a cut-off of 7 to ...9!!!

i find this funny because of how the college thinks they are all prestigious,

with a good reputation.

Such that their students have to have their personal rights and freedom ripped off of them,

especially when they are already legal,

just to protect the college's "image".

so much for having an image. 

in my opinion, the school is a disgrace itself to the Singaporean education system.

i have school, SCHOOL, tomorrow. the word sounds so foreign to me, but a good kind of foreign.

bye x

29 January 2016

Singapore

He'd regret, but it doesn't matter anymore

It's one of those mornings,

Where it's 4.15 am,

You sit up in bed,

Too tired and wanting so badly to sleep,

Your eyes is swollen,

You see everything crystal clear.

You've decided on something,

You wish you hadn't.

You wish things weren't as bad,

You hoped for something that'll change your decision.

Deep down you know,

Nothing will come.

Let go. Move on.

15 January 2016

Singapore

The First Day for me

Howdy.

I have a feeling, that today is gonna be the day, everything changes.

For the better? or for the worse?

I have no idea.

But in the morning the previous day, I filled up the form that'll change my life back around.

I'm going to college. Again.

I can't wait.

I fucking can't wait to get my life back on track again.

It's been long since i felt this way.

Empowered to change.

I feel so good.

I'm ready for the first day of my new life.

I'm ready for new year resolutions.

1) Meet my savings goals every month/ have an income every month

2) study hard

3) be fit again/ workout more often

4) be confident in myself

5) be a good girlfriend/a better girlfriend (?)

Here are also some little things i plan to do soon:

- Dedicated to my CCA

- keep to my daily beauty routine

- get a tattoo (i will make a post about this)

there are some more, but my babe demands for my attention so seeya x

13 January 2016

Singapore