In fact, it's just starting to be interesting...

Well hello, I actually have tons to talk about.

I'm also actually rather worried that nobody would read my blog anymore since my posts have been less frequent.

MUCH less.

Anyway, I'm free right now as I'm at the stairs of my boyfriend's condo without anything to do.

How did I end up here with all these baggage and stuffs?

It's the March holidays.

I refuse to spend it cooped up at home just because my "wonderful" parents wouldn't give me the freedom I rightfully deserve.

So, I lied.

As usual. 

I told my parents I'm having an orientation camp and as you can see, my words aren't all that truthful. (In fact, it's a downright lie)

Don't ask me how would they believe or how did I do it. These adventures and skills could be shared another day.

I just had to manipulate with my parents' emotions and thoughts.

So, what is the point of this blogpost?

There isn't one... Not really.

I just had so many thoughts which are jumbled up and forcing their way out of my mind.

This year have been horrible.

Perhaps it's old news for you but this year is painfully horrible.

I had to walk through so many problems and still, I couldn't see the end of it all.

I still cannot see life being any easier for me from now.

That's another thing I've had to accept: it's not gonna be easier, it's not gonna get better.

I've seen basically everyone going to places that have had them settle down, had them working hard.

While I'm here, doing just about nothing.

I've had to come to terms that ofcourse, life ain't exactly gonna go my way anymore.

I never am gonna score the A's I thought I'd score, and walk through the gates of schools I thought I'd be able to enter.

I can only wait for my school to start.

Frankly, the feeling is shit. I don't know what to expect and I'm facing a lot of bull crap from my parents which aren't helping my case at all.

However, that does not necessarily mean I've been dragging myself around the house being mournful about my life.

He who angers you, controls you.

Anyone who've managed to make me furious and feeling compelled to prove you wrong, fuck you.

I've fell right into the trap and gotten myself into shitloads of problems. I shouldn't even have cast a glance on those people who aren't anything but ignorant kids.

And ofcourse, my parents are one major problem.

I've learnt to deal with them, even.

I guess this is how growing up feels like. The legendary huge "downfall" everyone would experience that would change their perspective of sooooo many things.

I guess this is it.

I've definitely changed. A lot. Since only a year ago.

For the better, or for the worse, we'll see.

Relationships aren't all that bad, parents.

I've learnt a hell lot from him and from our relationship too. 

He has, I wouldn't deny, affect several aspects of my life negatively too.

BUT, I've never stopped trying to rectify it.

He's been helping me and had been a great sport about all those spontaneous ideas and resolutions I would have.

"Let's be so successful our parents will shut up"

It's a conundrum that he actually keeps up with my insane ways.

For example just recently, I would have an explosive reaction towards losing him in a spelling game.

Yes, you didn't read this wrong, it's a SPELLING game. And I lost, and I cried and kicked up a ridiculous fuss for 2 hours.

He'd spend two hours explaining to me how I should grab onto every chance to degrade myself.

He'd tell me not to harp over that one failure and believe it's meant to be like that.

You really have no idea, how much I actually thank heavens for his coming into my life.

 

My tortured smile because I've had to spend hours and hours on the cold and hard stairs.

And a dog appeared out of freaking nowhere growling at me.

Then ofcourse, it started barking at me. AT me like it was scolding me. I fled the stairs...

Has anyone experienced the intense desire to let go of everything and have a very very deep and loooooong sleep? That's probably me now. I feel soooo exhausted and spent. 

And it's only the second day of my "camp".

Do not tell me I'm immature when I say I want to leave house, I also experienced hardships and misery on my own and my stand is still clear:

I wouldn't look back the moment I step out of the house.

Besides keeping me alive, they've pretty much done nothing for me. (I think you know who Im talking about)

Perhaps you think I'm being a tyrant or unfilial child, a "typical" of modern society?

I really hate those people who tell me I'd regret treating my parents this way; who tells me to be grateful; who tells me I should cherish them before I lose them...

And I especially detest those that tell me that "you're still young" and "you will understand once you're older".

I really understand why you'd feel this way because maybe your parents, like most, are loving parents.

But not mine.

DO NOT tell me what I will or will not regret in future because I know exactly what I'm doing. For this matter, I know.

Ok, enough about that.

So what have I been up to recently?

I've had work. And work was great, amazingly great.

It is not an easy job ofcourse.

Waitering at a hotel is not at all easy. But I love the challenge, a typical of myself.

I love being forced to stand with great posture for 9 hours and more.

I love having to speak fluent and perfect English language to everyone.

I just love how difficult and demanding this job is.

(In your face, retarded parents, I do know money is hard earned)

STOP TELLING ME I DONT KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EARN MONEY.

I think teenagers are given much less recognition than they duly deserve.

We go for work as part-timers in our holidays (for those who did). And we do KNOW there's no need for it in the family, for most of our families.

We earn much lesser than adults but our jobs usually require more energy and is more physically draining.

Granted, the adults' job require more mental capacity and commitment, BUT WE DO HAVE OUR FAIR SHARE OF THE "suffering" pie?

No?

So why do I keep hearing, especially asian parents saying to their teen:

" you don't seem to know how difficult it is for us to earn money"

When we spend a lot of OUR own HARD EARNED money; that meagre amount we earn at an hourly rate, who do you think feels the most heart ached at it depleting? You? Obviously it is us.

I'm just trying to tell whoever is reading this that: no matter what you are doing, as long as you are sure it is what you want, go for it without reservations.

It is your life, you call the shots.

I just wanted to thank some people who've been giving me support through this tough time. Thank You so much for showing me the true meaning of "support". I never thought I needed help until this stage of my life.

Every single kind word was held onto with gratitude.

Every single advice was considered.

Every single genuine smile was committed to my memory.

Thank you.

On a side note, I still managed to remain in an acceptable shape although fats are starting to grow at all the typical problem areas of women.

(That's a shorts that someone wears which is literally twice my fitting size^)

Don't say I'm bad when I say some people ought to watch their weight because YOU CANT JUST SIT AROUND BEING TWICE MY SIZE.

It. Is. Fucking. Unhealthy.

Okay about weight and obesity. I realized many of you have been asking on my askfm, or more like commenting on it that I'm "trying" to be "humble" by saying I'm fat.

Alright, let me tell you this. (Some idiots would rejoice at this)

1. I am fat.

What else you call that flabby piece of meat at the underside of your thighs and that extra loop of flesh around the upper part of your thighs? That wobble you get on your thighs while you try to walk with as little impact to the ground as possible? That flab of "pork" on your arms shaking to the rhythm of your goodbyes?

2. I am not humble.

If you think humility is a fucking great quality anyone can possess, and you're saying I try to be that, then you should just eat your own shit.  I am not humble. I don't like telling people how NOT good am I, I don't like denying praises. I LOVE being praised. It's just that i don't like those bigger than normal thighs. (By normal I mean my goal slim and toned thighs) and I'm not proud of all the lose flesh around my limbs. If you like it and find it beautiful, then KUDOS. Go and walk around imitating a jelly wobbling from head to toe or whatever, I just don't like it. Period.

3. I am not a saint.

I hate those people who go around saying  "you're beautiful", "you're hot" and "you're gorgeous" to someone who looks like a toad, who weighs 10kg heavier than you and look like an elephant standing beside you, you ought to be shot. Honestly, some people are just ugly. Like if that person feels he or she is ugly due to a certain trait that most women find undesirable, THEN SHE IS RIGHT. She is ugly. Don't try to be some holy saint saying it's all about the inner beauty or bullshit along these lines. If a person is kind but she looks like some disfigured witch then she's ugly. She may be likeable or even lovable, but she looks ugly. However, confidence and attitude really affects ones attractiveness. 

This, I agree. If you aren't privileged with looks, then do something about your life. If you were unfortunate and was born with a birthmark across your face, DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. For example: DRESS proudly, SPEAK with intelligence, WALK with confidence, THINK with wisdom etc.

Then ofcourse some people were born attractive. They were born with the gift of the gab, a beautiful face and so on which attracts the attention of people. 

The main point is, for some people, attention is unavoidable. Opinions and comments would be thrower towards you. Even the good ones would hurt because what if you're not that? You would have to live up to it. (To me it is that way)

I do whatever I think is good for me. If I'm fat I'll accept it and feel bad about it myself, I do not need a bunch of idiots telling me how ugly or how "pretty" I am. Don't you think I know exactly how I am? If you don't know yourself, that's your problem. I know myself well.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

So saints, haters or supporters or whatever shit, I think you should place more focus on your own life and make it better.

All your problems aren't gonna go away.

"Everything's gonna be okay" ONLY if you do something about it.

And ofcourse some of you readers might agree that having a boyfriend at my age is way too early.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PARENTS THINK WHEN YOU SAY IT'S NOT THE RIGHT AGE FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

you mean you have an age limit for feelings? For love? We go throught puberty yes, and things come naturally after that.

Why do parents (asian ones especially) stop teenagers from going into a relationship? What parents should do is teach then how to handle their emotions, teach them the right attitude towards relationships, NOT prevent them from their own feelings. 

Is that even possible or right?

Needless to say, if a few words on my part could do any difference to the parenting habits of a certain class of parents, it would have been done years ago.

My own parents are the prime example of such disgusting parenting.

I love my boyfriend.

I don't know if you, or the adults, or the elderly or other people in this world know what is love.

I don't know what or how would you define love.

But I love him. 

I know it when, I'm willing to believe that one day my parents would accept my relationship with him EVEN though if was seemingly impossible for my parents to be understanding  since 8 years ago.

I know it when I know I didn't wanna just spend every single minute or second with him right then, but I think about next time. About the future. About how I am willing to suffer days apart from him (it makes me die from missing him), just so he could do the lame studying and be a nerd. 

So that our life ahead would be smooth sailing.

I don't know how do these words and feelings sound to you people.

But it's something between me and him and we're gonna do it right solely for ourselves.

I just want us, to excel. Not him, not I, but both of us. We do well as a couple.

I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone. I really don't know, but I can't be bothered.

I simply don't care. 

I learn from this horrible moment of my life that I really shouldn't care for some things.

And one of which? Is the people telling me "NO" to the things I want to do and strongly believe in.

Thank you guys who are still reading this. I am thankful someone is still willing to hear me out. :*

There is a reason why I attached the picture above(:

What you understand of it, I hope it helps you with some of the questions that could never be solved. 

18 March 2015

Singapore