Helpless

I haven't updated this space for awhile. I have been pretty busy with school and my usual social problems.

I seem to have become a social disaster over the past 3 years; and i'm learning to accept and love it. You have no idea how elated i am to actually be able to say i am "busy with school"

Believe it or not, i am starting to embrace the work load at school. I am studying. Or even more ridiculously unbelievable: i am going to school, on a regular basis

I have sat through lectures and tutorials and i actually learn something.

Pardon me for making a fuss out of the fundamental things in life.

I am getting decent grades (i actually make the top few of the class for most of my subjects)

sorry for bragging a little, it was a long time since i was able to do that.

to make up for it, those were actually just a few small tests and graded assignments.

and my math grade is hilarious - i'm so far behind i scored a 5/25.

(unashamed, because the little failure keeps me rooted and motivated)

I have become pretty much a "better" kid ( i almost despise myself)

But i am happier and i can spend each day without worrying.

I love my subjects.

Some people just hate me, and it bothers me. But sometimes, it's okay to laugh it off.

My greatest achievement these months is to become comfortable with being alone.

i don't need a crowd to prove my worth.

But i can't do without friends.

Anyway, my grandmother is hospitalized. I visit her daily and she is in critical condition. 

I don't want to say much about her condition because it hurts and it is something very close to my heart.

It is the first time, i am faced with death every day.

up close.

The hours i spent just holding her hand and looking at her,

i realize that her struggles are all written on her face.

and i want to say Thank You,

Grandma.

For not giving up.

It would have hurt to see someone who rejoice at meeting me every single time 

Go away.

And I'm so sorry I couldn't take away those tubes that are piercing your skin,
That are hurting you.

I'm so sorry you asked me to tell them, with your frantic hand gestures
To tear that tube from your throat and your lungs,

Because it is so painful.
I know, and I'm sorry because that's all I'm capable of.
I just know, and I can only watch as I see tears on your eyelash.

I know it hurts and you're closing your eyes to keep everything within.
And all I can do, is hold your hand gingerly because of all those tubes,

And give it a very light squeeze.

I hope you know,

I'm so very sorry for being 

Helpless; USELESS.

And I hope you get really well,
Really soon.

Because it really hurts, maybe not as much as you feel,

But it hurts grandma, to just watch.

Please, pull through.

25 April 2016

Singapore