Hi.
didn't expect myself to be back that early either.
i don't know if you people could guess,
get an idea of,
or actually feel what i am feeling through this drawing.
hint: i usually draw what i feel. (usually = always)
well realizing that it has been years and years of what seems like turmoil to me,
i've decided to take a little time,
sit and reflect.
i've just looked back to the first post of this blog:
life has been hard on me
2nd February 2013.
which means,
it's this year.
feels like i've had this blog for centuries but it's all but a year.
ironical isn't it?
we feel how "fast" time actually passes,
but feel that we've all aged,
we've all come across enough hardships to last a lifetime.
but it never does seem to get better.
me.
let's do a reflection or a summary,
of not this year,
but last year.
i guess there's only one way to say it:
i wish, i could begin all over again.
regret.
it may seem like a common word.
let me tell you guys,
for me,
it's unfamiliar,
terrifying
and of course painful.
i've never had regrets for the past 13 years of my life before 2012.
2012,
was disastrous.
it was hell of a ride.
it's bloody ridiculous how things turned out.
yup, that's basic info about me,
and this is how i deal with life when things turn into shit.
January 2012.
i was busy playing,
busy dreaming,
expecting a great year ahead.
February 2012.
i decided to change things a little.
i backed out of my CCA which used to be NPCC.
was a 'homeless' soul for quite awhile.
in this case, it was 'cca-less'
got into trouble with Student council commitee,
an organization i was once, proud to be in.
March 2012.
gotten the terms results.
got great results (top 50 of the school)
returned home feeling victorious.
anticipation and excitement,
for the remaining 3/4 of the year ahead.
April 2012.
slight set backs.
running away from many 'authorities' in school,
for bad behavior and CCA problem.
yes,
i havent gotten my CCA settled.
May 2012.
Mid-years examinations.
results was bad, didnt take much notice; not the slightest worried.
parents found out about the "CCA-less" state i'm in.
auditioned for a new cca.
June 2012.
Found ya!
turning point of life.
i got accepted into the CCA (it's not the turning point i'm referring to)
it was the person that gave the news to me that i was accepted.
it was the him,
that made everything change.
if you read this,
yes i'm talking about you.
July 2012.
15th boyfriend. (don't give me that appalled look)
1st guy i loved besides my brother.
i thought maybe? that was what love is.
was it?
August 2012.
yes.
"this was it"
even had baby names.
exhilarating, had adrenaline rushing,sweet and beautiful.
maybe?
i would get married to this man.
September 2012.
parents.
they got involved in my relationship.
fullstop.
the end of the relationship.
we both stopped fighting.
October 2012.
results, extremely bad.
failure to get into the subject combination i wanted.
regretted the choice to give up what i wanted to keep most.
all i could do was cry,
every single day and night.
November and December of 2012.
yes, year end.
yes, holidays.
cry.
was all i did.
Alright. you've heard the year. what of it?
it was the best year right?
but it was the worse.
i've met AND lost the person,
i might love the most in this entire universe.
i learnt what love was about.
but i paid such a huge price.
my verdict remains, it was worth it.
it was exciting, beautiful, crazy, simple,
but it was painful.
it hurts from inside, in the bones and tears could hardly express it.
it wasn't only the relationship,
it was everything.
i blamed my parents for the breakup.
i hated myself for causing the regret.
i hated my results.
i have never hated my life,
until then.
i've managed to live without regrets for 13 years,
in the 14th,
one is one too much to handle.
people leave i know.
i felt i knew that it would befall upon me,
that tragedy.
but nevertheless,
it still hit me like a bolt.
it was short lived;
that's what makes it beautiful.
i tried to mend.
i begged.
i cried.
i pretended.
i realized,
life doesn't always go the direction you want it to.
i learnt 3 words:
suck it up.
so, i ended the year by living my own version of the famous movie:
the walking dead.
next post would be summary 2013.
29 December 2013
Singapore
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