Hello.
I’m back so quick hehe. You could infer two things from here, I’ve got nothing
to do… I’m feeling emotional (perhaps). Well, let’s see where I should start.
After yesterday’s upload, I cried, a lot, really really a lot, till I fell
asleep. I couldn’t stop, I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t. There was only
one thing in my head then: I want him back, I just want him back. I have
nothing else to think of, no more desires. But reality is, he won’t come back. So
you see, that I guess, was why I cried. So much till I seriously could not
breathe and had to stop
<
make a smart guess, who issit? So many guys in my life, actually it is only
about one: W.Y>
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This is a dream-catcher i drew, for god knows why. perhaps, it
is to forget, or to help me chase away those dreams, of him because then, i
would not wake up from any dreams of him, and get slapped again, by reality
that he was no longer there and that it was nothing, but a dream.
So yes, i'm back to square one, why? why am i so miserable? i need help, but no one could offer me comfort because no one, no one but him could heal this hole in my heart. so what am i to do? sit here and wait for my tears to run dry, continue to paint the smile, that was never true and real, that would never last, without him? was that what i was supposed to do? yes perhaps. probably, probably i would continue like that for a year, no maybe two or perhaps eight or could it be... forever? is that what it's gonna be? forever? the pain, it would never go would it? oh then why, why am i still here, in this world, when i am living only, barely? why do i continue to trudge on in this life, where everything no longer has a meaning?
Despite, while writing this post, i'm actually calm. Yep, not upset at all. (maybe a little). because why? i don't really know but it no longer hurt as much as September last year, when he was first ripped away from me. you all, his birthday is coming, tell me, should i send my well wishes, or should i just quietly pray for him? because i know, that disappearing from his life is probably the best birthday gift i could give him. so maybe if i love him, i should stop looking and see which girl got his attention and cry with pain, or see his happiness and cower in bitterness and maybe look away, and give him my sincere blessing. but god, if you're there, answer my honest question:
How
could i? how can i let go of this guy, this guy whom i am very certain i would and could, give up anything for? anything really. Why, i even pushed him away when i still loved him when, i know i would probably hurt alot without him. so how, please someone tell me how, am i suppose to let him go?
Wondering why i posted a photo randomly? because i wanted all of you to know,my life now was nothing but that. a picture, something that remains a mystery to its story behind. It is stagnant, nothing changes but it grows old. For those of you who know, do you actually feel it? no, you will never know and i would not wish that upon all of you, because it is torture. you don't wanna go through what i'm going through because you might just, lose it. I'm going crazy or perhaps already am a little so it's alright so far. i was living on morphine some days, and i was okay and could smile occasionally. on some days though, the morphine wears off to remind me of the gap and the hole in my heart, making the pain almost, unbearable. But hang in there i will, because what else?
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