Love Yourself

Nobody's going to love you when you do not love yourself.

Sometimes you move to a stage in life you really cannot move on. You get hurt so much you think of going back.

But because you cannot, you stay where you are, not willing to move any further from the past you so want to rewrite.

people fall in love many times in life, they fall out of love too.

i remember that day when i broke up with someone i loved and i was crying and i was heartbroken and i was falling apart.

Then someone told me "people fall in and out of love; and it is those who fall back regardless the issue that are worth the broken heart"

I held on to many things in my life.

I held on to hope that we would patch until 2 years later.

i held on to the hope that i could enter a Junior College until i realize i was struggling in Polytechnic never accepting the reality that i was given.

I held on to everything i wanted so much.

Through everything, I lost so much.

i learnt everything the difficult way.

I'm still making mistakes and i'm still crying.

I hate myself, and i insult myself.

I get affected when people see right through the front i put up.

But there is something i always wanted to tell everyone.

something even my boyfriend should know about me.

I may have things i absolutely have no clue about,

i have things that no matter how hard i try,

i can never do good enough.

But those are things only i can be frustrated at myself for.

Those are flaws only i have the right to criticize myself about.

No one, NO ONE should be telling me those are things i SHOULD be doing.

You shouldn't be making feel upset just because of my inabilities.

picking on my weakness,

that's a good strategy to beat your enemy,

and it works all the time.

If you hate me,

you point out these things and let me tell you,

i get hurt all the time.

EVERY single time i get affected.

and if i don't,

i'm just pretending.

i love commenting on the things people do.

i love insulting the people i hate.

But when there are people who do it back,

i get furious.

i curse and i swear.

i am arrogant and i feel that nobody has the right to criticize me; my looks, my life, my character.

Sometimes, i get tired of fighting.

and i look around me filled with people who have beautiful eyes, skin, figure.

i see people who have thinner legs, prettier clothes, a beautiful voice.

i feel envious, no JEALOUS.

it is those times i shop for baggy jeans, i plan for workouts and i do everything that could reassure myself.

that's the time i really really HATE myself.

when my boyfriend looks at a girl with an awestruck expression,

i know that's beauty in his eyes.

i really don't care about those times i got praises anymore.

i don't care about those times i managed to found thicker people and people who did poorly in school,

because at that moment someone i cared about looked at someone else with THAT expression,

i lost completely.

winning is important to me.

Butreally, whether i win or not in this game with millions of girls in this world,

does it matter?

everyone has their story.

i love how i look in the mirror.

i love that my eyes are bigger with those double eyelids.

i am taller than many girls.

i am smarter, i pick things up faster.

i have things they want but can never get no matter how they try.

but why do i hate myself?

why am i stupid, ugly and miserable?

because i have my flaws, that only i can hate myself for.

i have my story that only i understand.

if you hate me, pick out the knives and hurdles from that story.

if you cannot be bothered, you don't know i hate myself.

But if you even care just a little,

please tell me,

the little bulge on my stomach,

the thigh gap i could never keep with me,

the most obvious littlest flaws,

please tell me they don't matter.

you have to reassure me.

you have to show me how it doesn't matter to you,

when it means the world to me.

you have to show me how to love myself.

how to look at myself in the mirror and love it.

Ofcourse, when people leave,

i feel confused and hurt.

but i know what's happening.

even though i might say "i'm too good for them"

but in fact, when people leave,

it just means they don't understand that you hate yourself,

that you need them to stay.

They couldn't be bothered to reassure you.

They couldn't stay long enough to show you,

how you should love yourself.

No matter how hard it had made you fall,

you will have to pick yourself,

and that little confidence you have left,

to fight the battle you can never be sure you can win.

To all the people in polytechnic that didn't bother to tolerate with me,

even though i walked with my head held high,

i did my presentations when nobody really listened,

i pretended not to hear your laughter,

it hurt.

And deep down,

that is how i felt about what happened this past year.

To my boyfriend,

everytime you overlook that some words you say could hurt me,

you compromise me to do something else,

you praise another girl,

i feel as if i'm the only one that loves myself.

how can i continue to love myself?

every girl began with loving themselves.

I am at fault and i should be punished,

sometimes,

i ask myself:

"if i knew i should be loving myself to win, why do i still end up losing, and hating myself?"

21 November 2016

Singapore