How I wish I had the money

Like sometimes it's difficult because life just wouldn't go your way.

Money is so important and so are your parents support.

This is two things I, as a 17 year old now, do not have at all.

I'm worried for my results that's gonna be released in a few day's time.

It's not only about whether I did well or which school I go to.

For me it's about my life in the near future, and also my whole entire journey ahead in life.

To many people this exam might be so important and if you don't do well it'll disappoint you, it'll make you lost as to which school to choose and what to do next. Or some extremely childish ones would be concerned that the lose to the people that they do not like (that's a very small concern of mine,I didn't say I'm not childish)

But to me this also determines a lot more.My decision now as a 17 who's graduated from a secondary school is so important because:

It decides whether I will be able to get into a good university and career in future.

I determines if I'm gonna lead a fun filled life in high school of a life filled with hard work.

It determines whether I could leave my house or not and whether I will be loaded with financial burdens.

This decision of which school to go also determines whether I'm able to go overseas to study in university.

This was my dream since I was 4.

And when I was 8 it was a goal. A goal to leave this miserable house and pursue greater heights in a place far away from what never was a home to me.

To many of you it's just as simple as whether you do well anot and get to a desired school anot.

After all, there's still a chance to work hard and do well in any school you've chosen.

But for me it determines everything.

I couldn't go to my parents and ask:" hey mommy/daddy, which school do you think is best for me?"

Or whether I'll be stressed anot at a school with higher expectations.

It's not all about whether I'll like it or whether it's what I want anymore.

Because my parents won't support for my school fees they've already made it clear. (I wanna believe they're only joking but I've already supported my own tuition fees in secondary school)

Because if I don't do well I don't have a chance to do better next time. 

It's a do it well, do it once.

I'm willing to suffer and support myself.

Eat less and study extremely hard.

I just wanna leave this place.

And if I don't make the correct choice, I won't be able to leave.

I won't be able to do well and I won't be able to even dream of a future.

I don't have the money to support for further education if I don't get a scholarship.

I don't have the support of my parents if life is too tough at school.

There isn't "another way out" for me.

That's why my results matter so much and the school I choose to go to next matters.

This decision is almost everything.

I don't have the luxury I often wish I have.

No wish is a not strong enough word.

I often begged and craved for.

I wish I had someone to go to when I'm unhappy in school.

I wish I had someone to go to and rant my childish little obstinate thoughts to when I lost an argument in school.

I wish I had someone to ask of whether I'm doing it right.

I wish I had the luxury to just be a child and relied on my parents.

I wish I had the chance to be immature and quarrel with my parents.

I wish I had the chance to even consider leaving house to threaten my parents.

I can't, because I know once I left, they won't be asking me back.

And unless I have a solid plan to be able to live outside, I can never be a child.

I could try all I want, I could cry.

I could hate.

I could go into my room and bang the door.

I could let it all out.

I didn't everything I could to get parents all of you had.

But I couldn't get it.

All I got was this.

 

I didn't have a backup plan like all of you have.

No matter how much you think your parents are bad,

You all didn't even consider that you would need to tend for yourself.

That you'll not have somewhere to cry or someone to tell you to move on.

It's like if everything around falls, somehow you know your parents would back you up.

But I haven't got such parents.

I've got two strangers that gives me the problems I face in life.

I've got two strangers who do not blink an eye when I'm in trouble and I'm feeling desperate.

I've gone to them for help.

As a child, I've always needed help.

But I've only gotten punishments, beatings and scoldings.

And to put that smile on your face you've got to depend on your achievements.

Let's face the truth.

Your parents makes you happy right? 

Your phone and what you eat and wear, your parents bought them right?

If there's a basic feeling you should have for them is to be thankful?

Let me tell you this, I paid for my phone, my phone bills, my clothes, my medical fees, my tuition and everything you all don't even think much of.

And it's not even because we're poor.

It's because my parents really don't care.

They really don't so I really don't think anyone has the right to hate your parents no matter the hateful things they did.

Because no matter the threats no matter the quarrels and hurtful words, your parents give you what everyone needs.

There's a door for you to slam I'm your room.

There's them for you to argue with.

I've never slammed the door before in my entire life.

Because the consequences aren't something I can afford to have.

I won't go on and on about my parents anymore.

I just wanted to say: I really wanted to be a mother's girl.

I really hoped my parents nag about my studies.

I really hoped I had the chance to just wish I was rich or had a lot of money.

But I never did have this time or chance to do it.

I had life decisions to make.

Life decisions my parents should've made for me so that I could be thankful to them for.

They didn't make decisions I didn't know how to make for me.

They didn't even help.

They only made the decisions I knew I could make myself for me, and their decisions usually made me miserable.

6 January 2015

Singapore