Nobody

I suddenly feel so cold, so insane, so lost.

can you believe it, i'm laughing while i type this.

I have no idea why, but i feel so extremely lonely. really, nobody's there, right?

Haha, my brother just showed me that he actually doesn't care.

"don't make me slap you"

five simple words from him was enough.

enough to show me he didn't care all along.

enough to get rid of the fullstop behind his name.

enough to make me realize,

after all, i'm alone. so alone nothing seems to be going on in my head.

Girls out there, let me tell you these:

having the beauty is not enough.

having the intelligence is not enough.

having the large amount of friends is not enough.

a beautiful place without any emotions is nothing but an empty shell.

you, are simply not enough.

not enough to make yourself happy.

Don't you find it pathetic, trying so desperately to be happy, to find comfort in something, then everything turns out to be a lie, a fucking fake disfigured lie

we fight, we manipulate, we scheme, what for?

it makes me so tired of everything.

I thing i'm falling, yet again, this time into nothingness.

that's simple. that's really simple. i mean, love is supposed to be such a beautiful and simple thing.

why is it so ugly and painful for me?

why?

i wanted something simple. i wanted my life, with someone i loved in it.

with him who loved me in it.

yes, but what's the problem? the past tense.

he, loved me.

loves me no more.

Wasn't it supposed to be like that? 

remember we even thought of our child's name? children's names even.

so why did you leave me alone with all these?

it's not that i can't let you go.

but i'm gonna admit.

I DON"T WANT TO.

why must you leave me here, how can you do this to me.

you make me feel so damn lonely i can't even feel normal anymore.

i don't have true friends, or at least i'm never truely loved by anyone.

not even my family members.

i don't need these, but i needed you and wanted you.

so why must you throw me away like that?

i'm sorry. how many times do i need to say that?

i'm sorry i pushed you away, but i wanted you do stay, that's all i wanted.

So that's what this is, ain't it?

life at play again.

no matter how good am i at this, i'll never outplay life.

i'm really so tired of everything.

many people heard of this saying.

but does anyone even know how it feels like?

to be alone among the smiling and laughing "friends"

to be mistaken as the happy soul.

to be thought as someone everyone looks up to.

but then you see yourself and everything, feeling emptiness.

i have nobody with me.

nobody at all. 

what am i suppose to do?

i'm so tired of standing, can't i lay down?

i only want one thing.

was it really so difficult mommy and daddy?

to just let us be together and i won't be so miserable now?

was it really too much to ask, for you to just continue loving me W.Y?

make me the happiest girl like you said you will?

was it really that difficult to not abandon me and go along with your dreams, without me?

but you said you will you know, you said i will be your girl in every life.

i don't want to accept that apology anymore, the one you told me

"i'm sorry, all the promises i made were empty promises"

no, don't apologize. i don't want it.

i want those promises kept.

i hate going through this cycle over and over again.

i hate all this. i hate asking questions i know will never be answered.

i hate being like what i am now, crying behind a computer screen so hard, i can't breathe.

i really don't wanna get hurt by anyone anymore.

anyone at all.

but the people from the past, they won't let me go.

my heart won't let them go.

nobody is here with me to tell me everything's gonna be alright.

because nothing's gonna be alright again.

nothing.

You told me you want me to smile like the me you knew before everything, before our relationship.

i can't i'm sorry, without you i really can't.

4 August 2013

Singapore